Soul searching.

It's amazing that I just turned 35. Where the hell did the time go? I'm half way to 70. Good lord.

Lately I find myself searching, but I don't even know for what. There's this push to do something with my life. Yes, I am happily married, have the best kid in the world (don't even try to pretend your kid is better than mine), lovely family (both blood and marriage related), fantastic friends, etc, etc. What more could a gal want?

A career in photography? That'd be nice. (cue shameless plug) If you haven't already checked out my photos, please do so: http://www.flickr.com/honig

Freelance writing? Also a very fine idea. Thank you for reading my blog.

When I was younger I was painfully shy. I had two nicknames that stuck with me for the duration of middle school; pinky and Casper, oh yeah and fog patch. You get the idea, right? White as a ghost unless I'm otherwise embarrassed, or sun burned, neither of which took much effort.

Through my twenties my blushing continued and was considered endearing, cute even. Granted my level of confidence increased greatly starting at about age 24 and continued for the next handful of years. During the confidence years, my blushing was usually kept for especially embarrassing moments, or even moments of being in the spotlight.

Now that I'm in my thirties, I am blushing more, my confidence has changed, and I get embarrassed really easily. Even though I get nervous speaking with strangers, I make a valiant attempt to do so in front of my son. It's important for him to see me socializing and having enough confidence and chutzpah to speak to people I don't know. They are after all, just people.

Recently I joined the Parents' Association at my son's school; so far so good. The really annoying thing is that I've reverted to my middle school days as far as embarrassment and shyness. What the?? I find that I've got so many great ideas (yes, I'm biased, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong!) but I never voice them. Inevitably a couple of ideas have been thought of by other members, but still, I should be speaking up.

I need to take charge. Everyone around me, and most importantly, me, can only benefit from this very key change.

On the note of change, I have decided to tighten the old purse strings a bit. Shoving vanilla latte after vanilla latte down my gullet is making my waist line expand and my wallet shrink. It's sick and wrong. I fell into the trap of a major coffee chain again, and I don't like it. Wasting money is stupid.

My goal is to shake up many aspects of my life (again) and make a commitment (again) to myself. Here are the things I'd like to adhere to:

1. Only one vanilla latte per week.
2. No more shopping for clothing (for me) until 2010. And no, this does not mean that I can go nutso on January 1, 2010.
3. I must go to the gym at least 3 times per week. Note: # 1- #3 go together very well. If I stop the regular coffee shop purchases, and go to the gym, I won't need to go shopping for clothing because I already have a wonderful selection of clothing for someone with less avoir du poids!
4. Cakes, pies, etc can only be purchased for special occasions.
5. If I want cookies, I have to make them.
6. One take-away meal per week only. Friday night is the perfect time for this.
7. I will become a flyer whore. Researching the best deals only makes sense. The corporations do not need any more of our money!
8. A plan will be set to help with the following: spending less and all the cool techniques for this (I am SO good at this... at least the plan bit) & improving my self-esteem.
9. Start a website strictly for my more artsy photographs.
10. Try my hand at freelance online writing.

That's enough for now (ya think??). Just like me to get all gung ho (where does that phrase come from?) and overwhelm myself.

The good news is, today after the P.A. meeting I was starving, but I went home for lunch instead of my usual behaviour of going out for shopping and eating. Well done, me.

\,,/(^^)\,,/

Allison

The time is nigh.

This morning I sit at my computer. Nothing unusual there. The different thing today is I opened iTunes first. My theory was that I would start my day off with the first song in my collection of music, and that would set my mood. What was the first song? "A-Tisket, A-Tasket" by Ella Fitzgerald. Can a day go poorly when you start off with a gorgeous tune like that? In the words of Ella, "No no no noooo".

Next in line is the distinctive sound of Fu-Schnickens, "Aaaaaah Ooooooh!" Any song that includes a lyric à la Daffy Duck, "Ssssthufferin' succotash" simply cannot lead you astray.

I'm on song three now, and somehow my mood has already become introspective; the song leads my path. "Abalonia" by Talvin Singh is taking me on a journey; it makes me think on a deeper level. There's nothing quite like Indian music fused with electronica.

Despite my recent weight gain, and subsequent shift to feeling blue, the start to this day gives me fresh perspective and hope.

My photography has been picking up quite a lot, as is my involvement with Wee Man's school. Life is not difficult, yet I am bound and determined to make it so on many occasions. The infectious sounds of Alex St. Clair Snouffer's guitar playing has my body moving and mind flowing. "ABBA Zaba" by Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band, is something everyone should hear in their lifetime.

Of course learning the ABCs and 123s is where I need to start my line of thinking; The Pipettes is where it's at. Strange thing is, I can't focus very well listening to them. My brain is all over the place. Music seems to have such a profound effect on one's brain.

Just to further the complete brain freak out, some of my husband's crazed music is on now; "Above the Sky" by Airwave. This kind of music makes me feel frantic, in fact, I'm going to change it.

I'm a mixed up blur of emotion, uncertainty and confusion. Amazing how quickly my mood can change just with the music I'm listening to. Make no wonder it's a challenge for humans to live together! Since I cheated and moved forward in the list of music, I closed my eyes and clicked; "Puer Natus Est Nobis" by The Benedictine Monks is filling my ears and soul. When I was 15 I signed up for that crazy magazine filler offer of 7 CDs for $1 or whatever it was; The Benedictine Monks was one of my first choices. Over the years I've lost, given away, or had stolen many CDs, but this one has managed to stay with me. As you can imagine it brings back loads of feelings when I hear their enchanting voices. Memories of being a confused young girl; realizations of being a confused mid-30s woman.

Some shake-ups and life changes are in order. Things I've not done before will be done. Adventures I've not taken will be taken. Steps, of which there will be many, will be taken one at a time. As these tears stream down my face, I question why? Am I feeling relieved? I think so. Have I just figured something out? I feel like I have, but I don't know what it is.

Actively I chose, "Big Stuff" by Billie Holiday just now. She knows. Soon I will too. I'm already well on my way.

This blog will be getting an overhaul. Stay tuned.

Cupcake is no longer working for me. I am no longer her.

xo