SWASS

Ya know, I don't even remember the last time I had a day that felt as good as this one. I worked hard, and I mean hard, at the gym today. Strangely, the caloric results were really similar as normal, but I forgot to check how long I took doing the exercising, I think it must've been less.

I needed to go grocery shopping, and since my gym is in the grocery store, I normally go shopping after I work out. Today, not so much. I just couldn't bear how sweaty I was. It was ridiculous! After turning around to check myself out in the mirror, I realized there was no way I could traipse around with my SWASS (please note, the SWASS in this picture is not mine)! As it turns out, it was a very good idea to go home and just take care of myself. I felt really good having done it.

I won't go into all the ins and outs of the day and why it was great, but I thought it important to point out that there are really good days in life, and I hope to have many more! There might be something to all this not thinking negatively stuff...

Exercise

• - 508 calories on elliptical
• - 195 calories on treadmill
• 30 crunches
• 30 leg lifts
• 9 puke inducers
• 12 reps on each of the 9 weight machines in the circuit, plus 15 reps on each inner and outer thigh machines, and 12 reps (each leg) on the glute machine
• TOTAL CALORIES BURNED: - 703... the unevenness of this number is very disturbing

Food

1 cup Fibre cereal with Bran Flakes with 1% milk (approx. 270 cal.)

1 litre water

2 slices light bread (110 cal.)

2 slices fake turkey (50 cal.)

1 squirt of light mayo, I make it sound so good! (25 cal.)

1 healthy squirt of dijon

Lettuce (2 leaves on the sarni)

Handful of very small carrots

Glass of Diet Pepsi™

6 baked potato chips (50 cal.)

1 Babybel™ gouda cheese round (60 cal.!)

2 eggs (140 cal.)

2 slices light bread (110 cal.)

Squirt of organic ketchup

½ tsp light butter

½ medium apple

1 cuppa with 1% milk and Splenda™

cupcake

xo

Workin' to the bone, bone, bone!

There I was just a walkin' down the street, when I was met with an elderly gentleman cruising down Lakeshore on his rascal (a very fancy one). He looked right at my eyes and said, "Well, don't you look beautiful today." I tell you what, he sure put a bounce in my step! What a nice thing to say to someone :)

I kind of wondered if I was showing a bit more of my happy self, even just walking down the street. As many of you know, once we start treating ourselves with love and respect, we feel better. I still haven't been able to figure out how to fix the emotional stuff, nor the self image issues and they are serious.

Must admit, I have found myself on the scale at least twice a day since I started my latest health regime. It's got to be a bit defeatist but I do it anyway. I do find that when I ignore the scale, I end up in a bit of a pickle because it's almost like I can pretend the weight's not adding up if I don't see the number. Maybe there could be an argument for the positives of checking the scale (at least) daily.

Exercise

• - 506 calories on the elliptical
• - 194 calories on the treadmill
• TOTAL CALORIES BURNED = 700

Food

1 cup Fibre cereal plus Bran Flakes with 1% milk

3 organic strawberries (on top of the yummy cereal.. mmm...)

1 litre water

Bowl of very veggified vegetarian veggie soup

3/4 flaxseed bagel lightly buttered on one side only (the 1/4 left was unbuttered...)

Can of Diet Pepsi™

Grande Earl Gray tea with skim milk & Splenda™

50 calorie frozen yogurt bar - SO GOOD!

1 veggie dog with small amount of mustard & ketchup

1 whole grain bun (150 calories)

Approx. 1/8 cup green peas

10 mini carrots

1 vegan thingy (I'll remember what they were called at some point... 27 cal.)

1 tsp light butter

1 cuppa with 1% milk & Splenda™

I feel really happy right now :) The only thing bugging me is that I have to pee, like really badly! Ciao!

cupcake

xo

Bustin' a move.

Exercise:

• 203 calories treadmill
• 457 calories elliptical
• 30 crunches; 30 leg lifts; 9 puke inducers
• 12 reps on each of the 9 machines in the weight circuit + 15 reps on each inner & outer thigh machines; 12 reps (each leg) on the glute machine
• TOTAL CALORIES BURNED (on elliptical & treadmill) = 660

Food:

1 cup Fibre plus Bran Flakes with 1% milk

2 slices light bread (110 calories)

2 slices fake turkey slices (50 calories)

Small amount of marble cheese & mustard

Small glass of Coke Zero™

1 granola bar (DAMMIT!!!!) (140 calories)

2 medium ears of corn (I only meant to have one, but they were so good...)

2 tbsp light butter

4 fake chicken strips

10 baby carrots

1 tbsp light plum sauce

Man alive, I can't believe I just devoured a granola bar. I am so disappointed in myself. I was busting with hunger and before I knew it I was wolfing down a (very yummy) granola bar worth 140 calories!!!

Won't get down on self. Won't get down on self.

My neighbour, who totally rocks, is now fully aware that I am going to the gym. Hmm, this means I've got a watchful eye living right next door to me, he even asked me about how it was going and gave me some advice. I think this is a good thing. Another person rooting for me - lucky me!

I was pretty much ravenous today, but after my massive dinner (doh!) I have defo settled down. A cup of tea is begging to be made, then it's off to bed!

Sayonara!

cupcake

xo

Never fear!

Sunday evening and I'm feeling pretty darn good.

I bet you were wondering, dear reader, whether or not I'd already fallen off the positivity wagon, right? Well, I didn't! Since Wednesday, I've been going to the gym everyday and since Thursday I've been eating right.

On Saturday night a few of us gals went out to a local pub and sang karaoke. Now for some, this would be a regular thing and nothing new or special. For me? A completely knee-knocking, terrifying, yet exciting experience!

First, I sang with my friend J, then again with J and then BY MYSELF! I was so shit scared, but I did it anyway. I figure, losing weight, eating right, making the right decisions for my/our lives, all fall into the same lump category: bravery. For me, it takes so much courage and bravery to make the right decisions. I have no idea where I went wrong in my life that it doesn't just come naturally, but I am going to be more brave from now on. Like J said to me on Saturday, "What's the worst than can happen?" and she's spot on. The worst thing that came of me being on stage was I met some more people and had a few even dancing! Gee, that's so scary - not!

On the note of bravery, I am going to join a running clinic that is put on by a trainer at my gym. I was totally honest with her, gave her the lo down of how unfit I am, and she assured me that if I followed her training I'd be just fine in the classes. Thing is, because I've never been a runner, I don't have any re-training of technique to do. Sweet! There is no doubt this is going to be very difficult, but I really feel like I'm up for it. My end goal is to run in the CIBC Run for the Cure on October 4th. The run is 5 km and according to the trainer, I should be set for the run, trusting that I follow her technique, etc.

With my 35th birthday approaching on October 10th, I seem to have this push to do new things before that magical moment where I'm in my mid-30s. Very odd indeed.

I feel pumped and happy! I've got great family, great friends and a great new attitude towards life. Of course, "Suck it up, cupcake" is still my favourite mantra :)

cupcake

xo

Yaaawwwnn...

Mmm, stayed up a bit too late last night. I got home around 11:30 p.m., watched an episode of Nurse Jackie, turned out the lights and proceeded to stare at the dark ceiling for what seemed like an eternity. Ever have those nights? I didn't even feel tired, but I knew I should be. Sometimes I find some mindless crap on the t.v. to help lull me to sleep, but I wanted to go it alone last night. I think the t.v. and I will find something vapid to watch tonight.

The good news is, I had a really pleasant evening with my friend J.

I find myself wishing for a rainy day today. Odd, I know. Well, not really that odd for me. When it really comes down to it, I think I'm looking for an excuse to stay in my jammies and do at home stuff.

My ankles are feeling the effects of working out the last two days; I forgot about the squeaky achilles thing. I think I'll just use the treadmill today, then again, the treadmill seems to take forever to burn calories.

This morning's breakfast was particularly yummy. I ate my favourite cereal and then chopped up the sweetest, most delicious, organic strawberries. Yum!

Food diary:

• 1 cup PC Fibre cereal with Bran Flakes; 1% milk & approx 4 chopped organic strawberries
• 1 cuppa with 1% milk and Splenda™ (currently going cold whilst I type this)

A friend recently told me that I'm really hot and cold. At first I was a touch offended and then realized it was just because I knew he was right. It seems like many areas of my life are begging for consistency.

Now off to motivate myself for the gym.

More later.

cupcake

xo

Mitten, mitten, who's got the mitten?

After removing the mittens from my gym back, I laughed, packed up my summer gym clothes and away we went. Callum and Mummy, together at the gym! The beautiful thing about my gym is there is a kid's play area, fully monitored by two attendants who are certified CPR folks. There are wonderful toys, other kids, and loads of fun to be had :)

It was really difficult to motivate myself, but I made a promise, not only to me, but to T. I didn't want to let either one of us down.

Again today I went to the gym with Wee Man and I had a great time, and so did he! Woo hoo! I pushed myself hard today, but was nowhere near the level I was when I stopped going to the gym regularly in February. The good news is, this revelation cleared up something in my head; I was doing well before, I had achieved something to be proud of, and I can do it again.

One thing that's going to be really tough is the food thing. Man oh man, my eating habits would shame anyone; I really am gross with food. The food diary is going to have to come back. Starting today.

Food diary:

1 cup fibre cereal with 1% milk

1 cuppa with 1% and a packet of Splenda™ (I tried to live w/o it, but I can't!)

1 frozen mac 'n' cheese (250 calories... not the healthiest choice)

1 medium peach

1 litre water

1 handful mixed nuts

Large salad with the following ingredients: green leaf lettuce; toasted raw almonds; red pepper; celery; onion; grated gouda and a very light dressing made with grapeseed oil and mustard

1/2 chick'n breast stuffed with corn and black beans

1 ear of delicious corn with 3/4 fat butter

1 handful of sweet and yummy strawberries

1 large spoonful of Activia™ yogurt

There is a vanilla cake with a fresh strawberry layer in the middle that is calling my name. It's calling so loudly that I feel like that's all I can hear! There are also loads of other naughty foods that I have collected lately, sitting in their own special cupboard. I must not cave. Self discipline is necessary.

Exercise:

• -405 calories on elliptical
• -210 calories on treadmill
• 12 reps on each of the 9 weight machines in the circuit; 15 reps each inner and outer thigh machines; 12 reps (each leg) on the glute machine
• 30 crunches
• 30 leg lifts
• 8 puke inducers

The scary thing for me about food is, I can't stop eating. Even when I'm full, I keep eating... pure gluttony. This acquaintance of mine was encouraging people to (essentially) put their best foot forward and really put an effort into life. I was moved by this sentiment 'cause I tend not to put my best effort into life and I have no idea why!?!

Best foot forward from now on. Best foot forward.

cupcake

xo

P.S.

Last I looked (this afternoon) I weighed a staggering 201.8... the most I've weighed in a long time.

Addendum to the food diary:

2 x Bud Light Lime; shared with a good friend... that means the calories don't count, right?!

I suck.

Seriously.  Look at the size of me!  My head looks so small on top of that giant body.  I'm back up to 191 pounds of disgustingness.  God help me.  I need help, but it needs to come from within.  I've struggled for so long now that I don't even know where to get the strength, determination and courage from.

SIGH...