Soul searching.

It's amazing that I just turned 35. Where the hell did the time go? I'm half way to 70. Good lord.

Lately I find myself searching, but I don't even know for what. There's this push to do something with my life. Yes, I am happily married, have the best kid in the world (don't even try to pretend your kid is better than mine), lovely family (both blood and marriage related), fantastic friends, etc, etc. What more could a gal want?

A career in photography? That'd be nice. (cue shameless plug) If you haven't already checked out my photos, please do so: http://www.flickr.com/honig

Freelance writing? Also a very fine idea. Thank you for reading my blog.

When I was younger I was painfully shy. I had two nicknames that stuck with me for the duration of middle school; pinky and Casper, oh yeah and fog patch. You get the idea, right? White as a ghost unless I'm otherwise embarrassed, or sun burned, neither of which took much effort.

Through my twenties my blushing continued and was considered endearing, cute even. Granted my level of confidence increased greatly starting at about age 24 and continued for the next handful of years. During the confidence years, my blushing was usually kept for especially embarrassing moments, or even moments of being in the spotlight.

Now that I'm in my thirties, I am blushing more, my confidence has changed, and I get embarrassed really easily. Even though I get nervous speaking with strangers, I make a valiant attempt to do so in front of my son. It's important for him to see me socializing and having enough confidence and chutzpah to speak to people I don't know. They are after all, just people.

Recently I joined the Parents' Association at my son's school; so far so good. The really annoying thing is that I've reverted to my middle school days as far as embarrassment and shyness. What the?? I find that I've got so many great ideas (yes, I'm biased, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong!) but I never voice them. Inevitably a couple of ideas have been thought of by other members, but still, I should be speaking up.

I need to take charge. Everyone around me, and most importantly, me, can only benefit from this very key change.

On the note of change, I have decided to tighten the old purse strings a bit. Shoving vanilla latte after vanilla latte down my gullet is making my waist line expand and my wallet shrink. It's sick and wrong. I fell into the trap of a major coffee chain again, and I don't like it. Wasting money is stupid.

My goal is to shake up many aspects of my life (again) and make a commitment (again) to myself. Here are the things I'd like to adhere to:

1. Only one vanilla latte per week.
2. No more shopping for clothing (for me) until 2010. And no, this does not mean that I can go nutso on January 1, 2010.
3. I must go to the gym at least 3 times per week. Note: # 1- #3 go together very well. If I stop the regular coffee shop purchases, and go to the gym, I won't need to go shopping for clothing because I already have a wonderful selection of clothing for someone with less avoir du poids!
4. Cakes, pies, etc can only be purchased for special occasions.
5. If I want cookies, I have to make them.
6. One take-away meal per week only. Friday night is the perfect time for this.
7. I will become a flyer whore. Researching the best deals only makes sense. The corporations do not need any more of our money!
8. A plan will be set to help with the following: spending less and all the cool techniques for this (I am SO good at this... at least the plan bit) & improving my self-esteem.
9. Start a website strictly for my more artsy photographs.
10. Try my hand at freelance online writing.

That's enough for now (ya think??). Just like me to get all gung ho (where does that phrase come from?) and overwhelm myself.

The good news is, today after the P.A. meeting I was starving, but I went home for lunch instead of my usual behaviour of going out for shopping and eating. Well done, me.

\,,/(^^)\,,/

Allison

The time is nigh.

This morning I sit at my computer. Nothing unusual there. The different thing today is I opened iTunes first. My theory was that I would start my day off with the first song in my collection of music, and that would set my mood. What was the first song? "A-Tisket, A-Tasket" by Ella Fitzgerald. Can a day go poorly when you start off with a gorgeous tune like that? In the words of Ella, "No no no noooo".

Next in line is the distinctive sound of Fu-Schnickens, "Aaaaaah Ooooooh!" Any song that includes a lyric à la Daffy Duck, "Ssssthufferin' succotash" simply cannot lead you astray.

I'm on song three now, and somehow my mood has already become introspective; the song leads my path. "Abalonia" by Talvin Singh is taking me on a journey; it makes me think on a deeper level. There's nothing quite like Indian music fused with electronica.

Despite my recent weight gain, and subsequent shift to feeling blue, the start to this day gives me fresh perspective and hope.

My photography has been picking up quite a lot, as is my involvement with Wee Man's school. Life is not difficult, yet I am bound and determined to make it so on many occasions. The infectious sounds of Alex St. Clair Snouffer's guitar playing has my body moving and mind flowing. "ABBA Zaba" by Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band, is something everyone should hear in their lifetime.

Of course learning the ABCs and 123s is where I need to start my line of thinking; The Pipettes is where it's at. Strange thing is, I can't focus very well listening to them. My brain is all over the place. Music seems to have such a profound effect on one's brain.

Just to further the complete brain freak out, some of my husband's crazed music is on now; "Above the Sky" by Airwave. This kind of music makes me feel frantic, in fact, I'm going to change it.

I'm a mixed up blur of emotion, uncertainty and confusion. Amazing how quickly my mood can change just with the music I'm listening to. Make no wonder it's a challenge for humans to live together! Since I cheated and moved forward in the list of music, I closed my eyes and clicked; "Puer Natus Est Nobis" by The Benedictine Monks is filling my ears and soul. When I was 15 I signed up for that crazy magazine filler offer of 7 CDs for $1 or whatever it was; The Benedictine Monks was one of my first choices. Over the years I've lost, given away, or had stolen many CDs, but this one has managed to stay with me. As you can imagine it brings back loads of feelings when I hear their enchanting voices. Memories of being a confused young girl; realizations of being a confused mid-30s woman.

Some shake-ups and life changes are in order. Things I've not done before will be done. Adventures I've not taken will be taken. Steps, of which there will be many, will be taken one at a time. As these tears stream down my face, I question why? Am I feeling relieved? I think so. Have I just figured something out? I feel like I have, but I don't know what it is.

Actively I chose, "Big Stuff" by Billie Holiday just now. She knows. Soon I will too. I'm already well on my way.

This blog will be getting an overhaul. Stay tuned.

Cupcake is no longer working for me. I am no longer her.

xo

Screeching halt, literally.

Yo. So I've been working out regularly, but stopped on Friday, is in, I haven't been since Friday. I've been at my parent's house and the first day I arrived I didn't have time for a workout, but ended up visiting the gym 3 times and then also running the track behind their house once. Not bad.

On Sunday when I was driving home from their house I was rear-ended on the 401 W. Yep, it totally sucked! I swore very loudly, "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot", fill in your own swears. I'm feeling pretty sore still but after a visit with my Doctor, I feel confident that the soreness is pretty typical and I should make a full recovery.

To add insult to injury though, I can't go to the gym right now because I don't want to upset my body. After this week is over, I'm okay to go back but I'm really afraid of falling off the wagon. This will be a true test to my dedication. The good news about my dedication is that I have stayed true to my healthier eating, as in, not pigging out and being ridonkulous just because I can't exercise.

The old me would have already started wolfing treats with the excuse that I was feeling crappy, or something. This new me has scaled down the food intake to compensate for the lack of exercise.

Oh yeah, I weighed myself this afternoon (not the best time to do it) and I am at 191.6. It's taking a long time to come off this go around, but I'm confident it will get better with a positive outlook and good life lasting habits. Whoa, for a second there I felt like I just puked out a self help book!

I think I'll keep a food diary during this week, even though there won't be any exercise to report. That being said, maybe I can go for brisk walks. Hmm.

cupcake

xo

I'll keep on fightin'

Seems like I might not be quite as obsessed with my weight as I have been previously. This may be a very good thing. Yes, I weigh myself at least twice a day, but I don't find there's anything wrong with that (for me). I keep weighing myself and then trying to remember to divulge the results here, but then I forget the number (this is a good thing). I do believe though that I weigh around 192 or 193.

This weekend I kept up with my healthful ways and am really proud of myself for that. Sure I had a few beers with some friends on Saturday night, and indulged in a slice of chocolate torte today, but I refuse to beat myself up for it. Actually I've been totally obsessing about the amount of calories that must've been in that crazy delicious torte, but I have to just let it go.

I gave myself the day off of working out yesterday, but other than that I've been keeping up with my regular regime :)

It's off to the 'rents house tomorrow... this will be a true test of my dedication. Fingers crossed!

cupcake

xo

Running

This week has been a bit of a bust as far as regular postings go, but it's not indicative of my successes on the gym front and eating right. In fact, the other day I tried running. Man oh man, it was tough and my legs were very sore the next morning, actually that was this morning. I can't seem to keep track of time!

I was so not into going to the gym today, but I did it anyway. What excuse do I have? Work? Nope. School? Nope. The workout was sweat-laden but I felt so good once I was done, really invigorated and inspired by my own get up and go. Despite my legs protesting, I ran again today and did quite well.

Silly thing is, one of my goals is to be able to outrun an attacker. Isn't that insane? Geez. I have this total fear that someone will be stalking me at night or something, but I'll be so out of shape and lardy that I won't be able to get away. I'll be like a porcupine, only I don't have any fancy quills I can shoot out! Oh yeah, I'm not inviting any potential attackers to challenge me!!

My food has been going well, but I use that term loosely; I've not been eating enough. It's not intentional starving, just that I can't seem to find enough time in the day at the mo'. I always eat breakfast, but lunch is a miss these days and dinner has been too because Graham hasn't been home from work until really late this week, so the first chance I get to sit down properly isn't 'til about 9 p.m. Once that time rolls around, I can't be eating, so I just avoid it all together and have a cup of tea instead. So not good. Amazing how comforting tea can be to an empty stomach though!

Total side note: I just ran up a flight of stairs at top speed to get the phone, and was met with, "Uuhh, hello? Yes ma'am can I speak to the owner of the house?" NO! Dammit, don't you know how much it hurt to just sprint up the stairs with my aching legs. Frig.

Anyway, my goal for next week is to keep up with the gym, as well as manage my time a bit better. Wee Man and I are going to my parent's house for a visit next week and I'm pretty nervous about the eating style that goes on there, and also the fact that I'd like to still go to the gym, but it's a whole city away (it'd be like driving from Oakville to Burlington), but I know they won't get it. They'll just want me to use their home equipment, but I can't get into the swing of it all unless I'm actually at the gym. Maybe I'll have to "Suck it up, cupcake", grow a set and just tell them I'm going!

It's official. I joined and paid for the running clinic! The clinic starts on August 11th and goes for 8 weeks. I sure hope I can do this. I hope to have the wise thoughts of The Little Engine that Could: "I think I can! I think I can!" and then, "I knew I could! I knew I could!" A little faith in myself wouldn't go amiss.

I'll step on the scale tomorrow morning and post the results here. The weight loss is slow moving this time around. I think my body's trying to punish me for all the roller coaster ups and downs.

Any runners out there, I'd love to hear some tips. Also, some good vegetarian recipes would be very welcome too... from anyone, not just runners :p

Food

1 cup Special K Cinnamon Pecan cereal (to die for) with 1% milk (approx. 175 cal.)

1 frozen yogurt popsicle (50 calories)

1 glass Coke Zero (pretty self explanatory on the calorie value!)

That is it... can you believe that?!

Exercise

- 507 calories on elliptical

- 213 calories on treadmill (ran one minute on, one minute off)

cupcake

xo

Weigh-in time.

On a side note, it's time for me to measure and weigh myself. I was pretty cocky about this when I originally started this blog in January (?) but am now a touch more sheepish. Frig it. I have nothing to hide.

The really great thing is, I receive so many nice e-mails and comments from people, friends, or otherwise, that encourage me, or confirm that I encourage them to move forward and strive for better. It's a really nice feeling - thank you!

I was trolling the internet today and ended up stumbling across one of the strangest inventions I've ever seen: the toilet scale. Wha? It is what you think. It will weigh you when you sit down and then weigh you after you have a B.M. Apparently the designer, Haikun Deng, has geared this towards women who are totally obsessed with their weight and need reassurance at all times that they are losing weight. Good grief.

The last thing I want to be doing after the 'doo' as she calls it, is lifting my legs up straight in front of me (your feet can't be touching the ground) and wait for my weight to be registered.

I would like to try getting weighed whilst suspended though, now that sounds cool! Of course I don't want to weigh as much as a horse in order to get that chance!

cupcake

xo

Epic fail.

Yes, it's true. Epic fail on the eating front since Saturday night. Oh man, how easy it is to get sidelined. One night out. A few beers. A few chips. And I'm off.

Sunday and Monday were filled with disgusting eating habits that were actually making me feel sick, but I just kept going. Now it may seem like a bit of a cop out, but I was trying to make myself feel like shit. The thought process behind that silliness? So that I won't do it again. Good luck with that!

Graham had the morning off of work and we headed to the gym together - how cool is that?! It was nice having some friendly competition. The regular location of my gym is women only, so today I got to experience a different location, one where G-ram wouldn't be scrutinized for having cojones.

The unisex gym was so different! Everyone was totally presentable for one thing. None of this roll out of bed and drag yourself to the gym. Male and female looked coiffed; outfits were all matchy match, it was a crazy difference. There's got to be a sociology paper begging to be written about this.

Food

1 cup Fibre cereal with Bran Flakes and 1% milk

½ roasted veggie sandwich with melted mozzarella (I had great hopes for this sandwich, but it ended up just being like pizza)

1 tall fat-free vanilla latté

3 slices of organic Golden Delicious apple

1 cuppa with milk & Splenda

1 hamburger bun

1 veggie burger patty with bbq sauce

Handful of baby carrots

Exercise

• - 700 calories on the elliptical
• Mowed the lawn

cupcake

xo