Blargh.

There has been no food diarizing.  There has been food wrapper hiding... again.  So often I wonder what the hell is wrong with me?!  For goodness sake, it's just food. 

I gorged last week and felt painfully guilty about it.  The stupid thing is, I honestly didn't even enjoy any of the food.  I'm finding it difficult to actually enjoy food lately, but I still keep eating it and gorging on it.  I'm kind of scared by this behaviour.

On Friday night my husband rushed home from work so that I could get to the Chub Club Xmas party.  I was so touched that he rushed home for me.  Throughout all of this he's been a very good supporter.  

The Chub Club Xmas party was great, although I was completely dreading setting foot on the scale.  The stupid thing is, I still ended up losing 2 pounds.  I felt so much shame that I'd lost the weight because I totally didn't deserve it.  I don't even understand how it happened.  My very dear friend T has been working her ass off, exercising regularly, and eating right.  I'm so proud of her; she also lost 2 pounds last week - go T!  

At Chub Club we have the Biggest Loser magnet that goes home with the member who lost the most weight that week.  T and I tied for the weight lost and I really thought she should've taken  the magnet home because she is on the healthy track, both mind and body.  I'm going to alleviate the guilt I feel over taking the magnet home (as directed by Mama Chub) by proving to myself (and T) that I can work hard.  Today I feel like crap and can barely move because of a very sore back, but at least I can eat properly.

I realized during my crap eating week that I can't handle 100 calorie snack packs of junk.  These are just recipe for disaster for me.  My little taste buds get all excited about the yumminess of the treat and just want more.  I guess I'm not at the right place in my journey to be able to introduce these snacks into my daily food regime.  Boo.  Self control has got to be something I figure out.

This journey is really emotional for me.  I found myself almost in tears listening to the gals at Chub Club reading out a lovely list of ways to feel better about one's self.  My journey is not about food.  Food is just another way I abuse myself.

Saturday night I went out to an Xmas party and I actually felt pretty, to be honest, kind of hot actually.  I really wanted someone to take my picture, but at the same time didn't want to ruin how I was feeling by critiquing a photo of myself.  Pretty sure I have a handful of photos of myself that I like and that's it.  So I happily accepted the fact that I felt hotsie totsie and felt secretly pleased with myself.  I think I was standing a bit taller on Saturday and it wasn't just because of the 3.5" heels!

At first I wasn't sure if Chub Club was for me, but now that I've met everyone I know we all have our journeys, stories and challenges.  I am an active member, I don't just belong.

Cupcake

xo