I suck.

Seriously.  Look at the size of me!  My head looks so small on top of that giant body.  I'm back up to 191 pounds of disgustingness.  God help me.  I need help, but it needs to come from within.  I've struggled for so long now that I don't even know where to get the strength, determination and courage from.

SIGH...

The day

Exercise

- 554 calories on elliptical

- 256 calories on treadmill

Total calories burned = 810!  

Food

1 Kashi™ cherry & chocolate granola bar (130 cal)

1 cuppa with 1% milk & Splenda

1 litre water

1.5 cups leek & potato soup

Hunk of sweet potato cornbread

3 lilliput eggs (it was a mistake, but a yummy one)

1 cup vegan chili (made by me)

1/3 cup brown rice

2 tbsp sour cream (50 cal)

cupcake

xo

Chubby tummy

Grrr.  When will I ever learn?!  One day of relaxed eating is likely okay.  Four days?  Not good at all.  My tummy is feeling, and looking, really chubby.  Grrr.

Exercise

- 553 calories on elliptical

-237 calories on treadmill

Total calories burned = 790 

Food

1/2 bran cereal with 1% milk & 2 medium-sized strawberries

2 x cuppas with 1% milk & Splenda™

1/2 cup chopped fresh strawberries

1 serving Kozy Shack™ no sugar added chocolate pudding

3 tbsp light Cool Whip™

1 cup vegan chili (made by moi)

1 tbsp sour cream

1/4 cup brown rice

750 ml of the skankiest tasting water around (from the gym fountain... ugh)

2 litres water flavoured with 1/2 strength Crystal Light™

1 ¼ cups homemade leek & potato soup - delicious!

A chunk of homemade sweet potato cornbread - delicious!

2 oven chips

cupcake

xo

Muffin top

Oh the muffin top.  Coveted in the food sense, dreaded in the body shape.  How can one thing be so good and yet so evil at the same time?  Food for thought.

Exercise

50 minutes on elliptical - burned 553 calories

22 minutes on treadmill - burned 217 calories

Total calories burned = 770 

Food

1 cup fibre cereal with 1% milk = approx. 270 calories

10 organic globe grapes = approx. 35 calories (1.5 cups = 62 calories)

1 cuppa with 1% milk & Splenda™

2 litres water

1/4 cup brown rice

2 cups stir-fry, including low-fat tofu & sauce made from almond butter; liquid smoke; sesame oil; Bragg's™ Liquid Amino; rice vinegar & fresh ginger 

Pudding on a cloud with 1/2 cup chopped strawberries (175 calories)

1 flat bun

1 kid's size veggie burger from Lick's™ (made at home)

Lettuce

1 tbsp Heinz™ chili sauce (made by God)

1/2 tbsp light mayo

1 rice chip

1 baked french fry

.42 of an ounce of marble cheese

Amazingly, after all that delicious food I am still hungry.  No kidding.  My tummy is growling right now!

cupcake

xo

Key lime...

Exercise

52 minutes on elliptical - burned 579 calories

20 minutes on treadmill - burned 201 calories

Food

1 cup fibre cereal with 1% milk (270 calories)

1 litre water... must drink more in the evening

1 egg salad sandwich on whole wheat (from Tim Horton's™ - 390 calories)

1 can Diet Pepsi™

1 key lime donut... umm... oops... it was DELICIOUS! (320 calories)

1 Kashi™ cherry chocolate granola bar (130 calories)

1 Blue Menu™ nuke 'em veggie lasagna (surprisingly tasty & satisfying @ 240 calories)

1 cuppa with 1% milk & Splenda™ 

1 container of Kozy Shack™ no sugar added pudding (90)

3 tbsp of light Cool Whip™ (a strong emphasis on the 'wh' sound!) (35 calories)

1/2 cup chopped fresh strawberries (maybe 50 calories?)

According to my calculations, I have eaten 570 more calories than I have burned off.  If I had removed the granola bar & donut, I would've only eaten 120 more calories than burned.  Not bad.  Thing is though, I did eat both of those things and I also feel like I'll eat something else before the evening's out.  I have pudding on a cloud in mind...

Okay, so I had the pudding on a cloud and it was really yummy!  So now the final tally is 745 calories (give or take b/c I'm not sure how much 1% milk I have in my tea) more taken in than burned off.  Ouch.  Oh well. 

I'm really hungry today and have broken out like a teenager.  Hmm, maybe I'm getting younger from all the exercise!?!  Wishful thinking.  Although I have heard that exercising can possibly give you a younger, and of course healthier body (and mind).

cupcake

xo

Here we go again.

The boys are back to work and school, and I went back to the gym.  Whew!  Wee man helped to prompt this.  He likes to outline what is going on and he did his, "Daddy's going to work.  Wee man's going to school.  Mummy goes to the gym!"  He sounded so happy that this regular routine was starting again that I didn't want to disappoint him.  Would he ever know if I didn't go?  No. Would I?  Oh yeah.

Food

1 cup fibre cereal with 1% milk (approx. 270 calories)

4 chick'n strips (190 calories)

1 tbsp light plum sauce (12.5 calories)

2 x cuppas with 1% milk & Splenda™

1 Astro yogurt cup (70 calories)

4 litres water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

1 cup mashed potatoes - I know it's a lot, but oh so good and mustn't be denied

2 vegan sausages

1/4 cup vegan brown gravy

1/4 cup bright green, pop when you bite them, yummy peas

Exercise

53 minutes (including cool down) on elliptical - burned 579 calories

22 minutes on treadmill - burned 175 calories

It's funny to me that when one thing falls into place, in this case my eating and gym habits, other things follow suit.  I'm up to date on the laundry; had wee man's lunch ready for his arrival home from school; the beds are made (which sounds like nothing, but lately that's really something!); the recycling's done, etc, etc.  It feels good.  Really good.

I wasn't sure how today would go, but it's shaping up to be pretty great!

cupcake

xo

New low.

Well, life has been less productive.

I hit a new type of low today and figured it was time to get back on it.  When I went into wee man's room this morning to wake him up for school (first day back from March Break), I was met with a tiny voice saying, "What happened to your pillow?"  I knew this wasn't going to be anything good.  Poor soul had vomited all over his bed and even his jammies were covered.  The good news is, he is a little trooper and was happy to be taken care of by Mummy all day.  Why is this important to my weight loss life?  Wait for it... I intentionally took a bite of wee man's toast today, thinking that a bout of the tummy flu would help me get back on track.  Oh my goodness. That is low.

I weighed myself this afternoon and I'm at 189.  Yep, that means a gain of at least 9 pounds.  9 pounds of junk.  9 pounds of bullshit spouted to myself.

On Friday I went into Toronto with T and spent a nice evening having good conversation with three very positive and motivational ladies - thanks girls!  There were hints and suggestions that it was likely time for me to get back on the train, there may have even been train whistle sounds!

So here I am.  Feeling kind of squidgy, hoping I can get back on the train.  Hoping.  Ugh.  My positive attitude will resurface, I just know it.

As much as I've indicated this blog is just for me, it's really flattering to know I have so many people caring for me and my well being.  Thank you to all of you.

For now, I'll think of one of my favourite authors, Dr. Seuss and his wise words:

"You have brains in your head.  You have feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.  You're on your own.  And you know what you know.  You are the guy who'll decide where to go."

cupcake

xo