Cupcake.

I've been wondering when all of this will become easier.  You know, like just part of who I am, rather than something I struggle against on a daily basis. Maybe it will always be a struggle.  Being athletic never really happened for me. Sure, I didn't try, but there must be a reason for that.  Wavering.  That's what I've been doing for the last few days.  Wavering.  I fear the resurgence of the girl who hates herself.

My tummy is getting smaller and that's a really good thing.  So often since I've had the wee man people have asked me when I'm due.  At first I'd blush and change the subject or something. Then I decided to make people feel as badly as they'd made me feel.  I'd tell them I wasn't pregnant, I was just fat, but thanks for pointing it out.  Finally, I gave up the fight.  Nobody was feeling good. I would just make up a due date.  The scary thing is, I started kind of thinking I was pregnant and that increasing belly was 'normal' and expected.  It was really frightening actually.  

I figure if I can start convincing myself that my gigantic belly is from some unreal pregnancy, I can start convincing myself that living healthy is the right thing to do.  There's also the idea that I don't want to be in the back pocket of large corporations.  They're the bastards that tempt us with unhealthy foods, unhealthy everything.  Then when they've finally succeeded at helping you get unhealthy and upset, they rescue you with diet plans, surgeries, potions, etc, etc. Dammit (Janet).  I abhor big industry.  Somehow living in the suburbs made me start to forget this.  I started shopping at the dreaded Walmart and going through drive-thrus.  What the hell? 

The fire in my belly that I'm feeling as I write this needs to stay lit!

Food

1 cup Guardian cereal with 1% milk

2/3 cup fruit cocktail packed in water 

1/3 cup f/f s/f yogurt - the yucky one is now finished!

1 cup daal

1/2 cup basmati rice

2.5 litres water - that's more like it!

Cuppa (yes)

1 whole wheat hot dog bun

1 veggie dog

3 tbsp corn with a super small amount of butter (in the pot)

16 oven chips (a serving)

Cuppa (yes)

Exercise

50 minutes on elliptical - burned 526 calories *NEW: moved up to level 2!*

12 reps on each of the 9 weight circuit machines + inner and outer thighs *NEW: upped weight on 2 of the machines*

*NEW: upped crunches and leg lifts to 40 instead of 35*

*NEW: 10 hand to foot stability passes.  One rep to me is the full pass, as in, both hand and foot.

10 puke inducers

Cupcake

xo