Last post, December 15th?! Good lord.

Okay y'all, please don't give up on me.  I'm here.  A brief hiatus that was due, but not warranted.  Thank you to Jacquie and Jenn for mentioning my lack of posting.  I was embarrassed and jolted into being reminded of my goals - I appreciate it gals.  To be honest, I really didn't think anyone was reading.  Then again, this is supposed to be for me and it shouldn't fizz on me one way or another if anyone's reading.  Silly girl.

The holidays have brought gorging, sick swollen bellies full of food, and shame.  A complete disregard for myself has emerged once again.  Zoiks!

You will see a change starting tomorrow.  As for today, I'm going to slack.  I have a cold and I feel like crap.  I shall eat and thoroughly enjoy pizza tonight and not feel one ounce of guilt about it. Then tomorrow I shall turn over my 8 million and 10th new leaf.

Family obligations have made it so I haven't gone to Chub Club in 2 weeks, but as I have said before, I will be an active member.  I will be back and happy about it this Saturday.  On a Chub Club note, props are in order for T who won the coveted magnet this week - biggest loser!  Not only is this fantastic, but it's down right amazing.  To be able to lose weight during this season of gluttony is awesome!  Way to go T!  And yes, I made sure she has the magnet.

On a side note, thank you to all the great friends that I feel so lucky to share my life with.  Ontario had the potential to be an awfully lonely place for a newcomer, but so many of you have opened your hearts, minds and houses to me.  I am grateful and humbled.  You rock!

GOISF:

Two days ago I was already bursting with treats when my Mom brought out a 7-layer dip.  I ate it until I felt so sick that I burped and puked a little in my mouth.  Eww!  Who eats like that? Honestly. 

Blargh.

There has been no food diarizing.  There has been food wrapper hiding... again.  So often I wonder what the hell is wrong with me?!  For goodness sake, it's just food. 

I gorged last week and felt painfully guilty about it.  The stupid thing is, I honestly didn't even enjoy any of the food.  I'm finding it difficult to actually enjoy food lately, but I still keep eating it and gorging on it.  I'm kind of scared by this behaviour.

On Friday night my husband rushed home from work so that I could get to the Chub Club Xmas party.  I was so touched that he rushed home for me.  Throughout all of this he's been a very good supporter.  

The Chub Club Xmas party was great, although I was completely dreading setting foot on the scale.  The stupid thing is, I still ended up losing 2 pounds.  I felt so much shame that I'd lost the weight because I totally didn't deserve it.  I don't even understand how it happened.  My very dear friend T has been working her ass off, exercising regularly, and eating right.  I'm so proud of her; she also lost 2 pounds last week - go T!  

At Chub Club we have the Biggest Loser magnet that goes home with the member who lost the most weight that week.  T and I tied for the weight lost and I really thought she should've taken  the magnet home because she is on the healthy track, both mind and body.  I'm going to alleviate the guilt I feel over taking the magnet home (as directed by Mama Chub) by proving to myself (and T) that I can work hard.  Today I feel like crap and can barely move because of a very sore back, but at least I can eat properly.

I realized during my crap eating week that I can't handle 100 calorie snack packs of junk.  These are just recipe for disaster for me.  My little taste buds get all excited about the yumminess of the treat and just want more.  I guess I'm not at the right place in my journey to be able to introduce these snacks into my daily food regime.  Boo.  Self control has got to be something I figure out.

This journey is really emotional for me.  I found myself almost in tears listening to the gals at Chub Club reading out a lovely list of ways to feel better about one's self.  My journey is not about food.  Food is just another way I abuse myself.

Saturday night I went out to an Xmas party and I actually felt pretty, to be honest, kind of hot actually.  I really wanted someone to take my picture, but at the same time didn't want to ruin how I was feeling by critiquing a photo of myself.  Pretty sure I have a handful of photos of myself that I like and that's it.  So I happily accepted the fact that I felt hotsie totsie and felt secretly pleased with myself.  I think I was standing a bit taller on Saturday and it wasn't just because of the 3.5" heels!

At first I wasn't sure if Chub Club was for me, but now that I've met everyone I know we all have our journeys, stories and challenges.  I am an active member, I don't just belong.

Cupcake

xo

Nggh.

Really unproductive day.  Fought with myself over the course of today.  Wanted junk food.  Not quite accurate, but wanted some easy food.  Didn't feel like helping myself out.

Food:

Breakfast

Piece of toast with 1 tbsp almond butter & 1 tbsp nsa jam

Cuppa with milk & Splenda

Lunch

Weight Watchers whole wheat bagel with 2 tbsp light cream cheese

1 litre water flavoured with 1/2 pink lemonade Crystal Light

Supper

1/2 cup Jade blend

Approx. 1.5 cups veggie chili; no added salt and minimum oil (1 tbsp for very large batch)

Encouragement bite of the wee man's grilled cheese sandwich 

Apres supper

1 litre water flavoured with 1/2 strength pink lemonade Crystal Light

100 calorie bag each of Ritz & Chips Ahoy!  (so not a good decision to have both)

Cup of light hot chocolate

Such a crap food day.  The chili's not crap though.

I'm so used to talking smack talk about myself that I've stopped noticing it.  Lately people are getting fed up hearing it.  I can tell.  It's happened before and actually destroyed relationships and friendships.  So desperately don't want that to happen again.

Grocery shopping will help.  Tomorrow I will shop.  Tomorrow.

Cupcake

xo

Sunday morning... brings the dawn in.

Last night was not good on so many levels.  I got drunk.  I didn't mean to.  At one point I was fine and then the next I wasn't.  I think it's because I don't drink very often.  The transformation had begun.  Once in the evening a sweet not so annoying person became a self-loathing annoying drunk.  Yikes.

I was thrilled to find that nobody was angry with me, other than myself.  The sad bit is, when speaking with J, I found that I had been spouting off about how gross, disgusting and fat I am and that it was okay for my friends to think that of me because it was true.  I need to change the record because I'm tired of this same old tune.

The other really sad thing is, I blew my good eating habits yesterday.  As much as this is going to hurt, I have to show you what I ate yesterday.

Gluttony:

Breakfast

Cuppa with SUGAR and milk

1 piece of toast with butter and full-sugar jam

Pack of Ritz crackers (100 cal.)

1/2 grande London Fog (1% milk and full sugar vanilla)

1 large sesame bagel with two small packets of full fat cream cheese

1/4 cranberry bliss bar

Lunch

Grilled cheese sandwich

2 glasses of Kool-Aid

Small bowl of tomato soup (loaded with sodium)

2 crackers

On the train

Mug of hot chocolate

One sugar cookie

Supper

Veggie burger on a giant bun with mayonnaise

Frings of which I left most of the fries, but only because they tasted weird

Diet Pepsi

Apres supper

Diet Pepsi

100 calorie pack of Ritz crackers

Balance of the cranberry bliss bar

One thing I've noticed is that whenever I am feeling crappy about myself, I always end up reaching for (food, yes) but also Diet Pepsi.  It's weird.  When I'm eating healthily, I don't even really think about drinking DP.  Odd that.

Today I am struggling to even want to get back on track.  I must persevere.

Cupcake

xo

Fading away!

Now that title is a little dramatic, but I have lost 3 pounds this week!  In actual fact, I had lost four but we had treat night yesterday and apparently it netted me a one pound weight gain - boo. Stupidly, I was disappointed by the only 3 pound weight loss as I thought it was going to be much more than that.  I've decided I need to redefine my idea of perfection so as to be able to realize some success.  

I grew up with the idea that things had to be perfect.  If you weren't going to be the best, then don't even participate.  Good lord.  No exactly the best message to be sending.  Mistakes happen.  Nobody will always be the best at everything.  There's a book that we read to the wee man called, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss.  This book is great.  It talks all about how you're going to do wonderful things and be the best, etc, etc. except for when you're not and that's okay.  Such a good message for kids and adults alike.

Yesterday, as much as I really didn't want to, I went to the gym.  It first took needling from G and then a teary phone call to T.  Yep, I was sitting in the parking lot for gym crying.  I was so worried that people would be judging me, etc.  T told me to "Stop being so friggin' vain..." and as much as it hurt me for a moment or two, she was right.  She helped me in that door and I'm really grateful to her for that.  Much like many things, the first time is usually the scariest.  

I worked on the elliptical and burned 327 calories in 30 minutes of working out, followed by the 5 minute cool-down.  Then proceeded to do the 20 minute workout circuit with the weight machines.  All of this was really tough, especially after someone commented on how I must be working really hard.  My face was like a tomato!  Ach well, with time it will take more and more before I look like a tomato.

I hate blushing.  I do that a lot too.

My food diary has been in my head the past couple of days; this will not keep occurring.  Writing everything down is a necessary evil for me, at least for now.

This week's goals:

1. Go to the gym at least twice
2. Continue to eat healthily
3. Blog
4. Work on self-esteem and redefining 'perfect'

Today's consumption:

2 cups tea with milk and Splenda

1 litre water

Lunch

1 piece of toast (110 cal.)

2 large eggs

2 tsp whole grain mustard

Supper

Lean Cuisine roasted veg. pizza (not very good, but helped to curb the pizza craving)

Can o' Diet Pepsi

Apres supper

More alcohol than one human should consume (rum and a some Guinness)

2 carrot sticks

Cupcake

xo

Burn baby, burn!

No, it's not a disco inferno.  It's a workout.  A painful one.  My legs already hurt from doing the treadmill workout that J gave me.  Hard work.  Lots of sweat.  Only 161 calories burned.  Ouch. Those innocent 100 calorie bags of snacks are looking less appealing.  I'll still eat them though!

I'm actually really struggling today.  I should never have boasted about being in such a good mood because it's all come crumbling down around me.  Unbearable is what I am today.  You know the bitchy Moms y'all see in the mall, scolding their children?  Yep, that's me today.  To my credit the wee man is impossible to potty train, won't eat anything, runs around like a maniac and won't listen to a word I say.  He drives me nuts.  I'm actually at my wits end.  It's a good thing I love him so much!  I haven't done any comfort eating, and for this I am glad.  Only thing is, I really want to.  I think maybe I'll go shed a tear or two into a good cuppa.  

I'm like a ticking time bomb.

Food diary:

Petit dejeuner

1/3 large flake oatmeal cooked with 1/3 cup 1% milk, one packet of Splenda and cinnamon

Cuppa with milk & Splenda

Snack

1 smallish Fuji apple

Cuppa with milk and one Splenda

1 litre water (over the course of breakfast and snack)

Dejeuner

1 cup of whole wheat pasta with unsweetened pumpkin puree and veggie sausage

1/2 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Supper

1 Yves veggie burger

1 Weight Watchers whole wheat bun

Lettuce; 1/2 tbsp light mayo; 1 tbsp whole grain dijon mustard (scrummy!); onions & 1/2 a red pepper; 1/2 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp green peas

2 tbsp corn

1/2 cup mashed potatoes with minimal butter & milk

Apres supper

Cup of (light) hot chocolate (45 cal.)

Crazy healthy and yummy oatmeal raisin cookie (85 cal.)

1/2 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Today's GOISF:

When I was pregnant I wanted ice cream all the time.  Pretty much every day I would eat one of those yummy tubs of Haagen-Dazs or Ben & Jerry's or this really yummy soy ice cream I found that had black cherries and dark chocolate... so good.  Everyone kept warning me, maybe a bit too gently... "Cupcake, ice cream is such a quick way to put on..." and before they even really got that far all I could hear was Charlie Brown's teacher.  I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it felt so good.  I gained almost 55 pounds when I was pregnant.  So totally unhealthy.  Sometimes I wonder if that's why the wee man was almost a month early.  Was he suffocating in my fat womb?  I harbor major guilt about it and he's almost 3 years old.  

Cupcake

xo

P.S.

I didn't cave.  My emotions didn't get the better of me.  Yay me!

Mele Kalikimaka

I just love the way those gals sing the chorus in Mele Kalikimaka.  Sometimes, probably more frequently than normal, I imagine myself as a backup singer in the 1950s... ahh doo wop girls.  Where would the world be without them ;)  Would it scare you to know that I have funky and fun Xmas songs constantly running through my head?  It kind of freaked me out, but to be honest, I love Xmas music.  Ever since the wee man was born, I love Xmas!  There's something very strange going on with me right now.  My mood.  It's, dare I say it?  Really good.  Now those of you who know me and I mean really know me, are aware of the fact that I suffer from some serious mood swings.  When I look back, I realize my mood improved greatly at the time I set out on this journey to a happier and better self.  Scary.  I wonder if it's the lack of crap going into my body?  I also think my approach is a bit different this time in that I am not depriving myself.

I read an article that talks about depriving and then consequent bingeing.  This quote in particular hit home for me:  "A cycle of deprivation and excessive sugar intake reinforces bingeing."  Sounds obvious, right?  Maybe reading it in "Psychology Today" will help reinforce the concept in my thick skull?!  There was one more thing that made me curious:  "The rats exhibited behavioural changes even when sugar was replaced with the artificial sweetener saccharin.  "It appears to be the sweetness, more than the calories, that fuels sugar dependence," say Hoebel."  Again, scary.

If you've been paying mind to my food diaries, you'll see that I consume quite a significant amount of Splenda.  It has been an ongoing concern, maybe curiousity, whether or not artificial sweeteners are helping me, or aiding in my failure.  I must read more on this.

Consumption of less quantity:

Breakfast

One deliciously lovely homemade pancake (1/4 cup batter)

1 tbsp equally delicious and lovely Quebec maple syrup

Cuppa with milk and one Splenda

Lunch

Garden veggie sandwich on whole wheat with light cream cheese from Tim Horton's

Medium steeped tea with milk and one Splenda

1 litre water

Supper

1.5 cups veggie & kidney bean stew (no salt or fat added)

1/2 cup 'Jade' blend

1 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

1 tbsp light sour cream

Apres supper

Smallish Fuji apple

Cup of light hot chocolate (45 cal.)

Bag of Chips Ahoy! (100 cal.)

Today's GOISF:

I used to live in Burnaby.  The next city over from Burnaby is Coquitlam.  I would drive to Coquitlam to go to Burger King.  That's like almost a half hour drive just to go visit the King.  I adore their veggie burgers... with cheese... and mayonnaise.  Then I'd get fries, onion rings, and a milkshake, along with my Diet Coke... just so I could say something was calorie-free.  Idiot.  Then in the same plaza was (you know...) Tim Horton's.  Away I'd go and order tons of crap from there too.  The cherry on top?  I never even had to get out of the car.  I'd feel so sick by the time I was done this feast for four that I'd put the wee man down for his nap when we'd get home.  I'd then have a nap too and wake up an hour or so later, wondering if there was anything good to eat in the house.  Shocking.

Cupcake

xo

Being tired.

I decided to sit down and figure out what triggers my bad eating.  I think it would've been easier to figure out what doesn't trigger my eating!

Feel sad?  Eat.  Feel social?  Eat AND drink.  Feel blah?  Eat.  Bored?  Eat.  You get the idea.

One thing that I think I will focus on is sleeping.  When I feel better rested, I feel more inclined to do right by myself, i.e. eat right.

Food consumed on December 1st:

Breakfast

2 slices Weight Watchers whole wheat bread (actually only 1.5 b/c the wee man decided he needed to "Trrrryyyy Muuuummmmy's toast?" 

1 tbsp almond butter

1 tbsp nsa (no sugar added) jam

Partial cuppa with milk and Splenda

1/2 litre of water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Lunch

1/3 cup 'Jade' blend:  jasmine rice, lentils, quinoa

1/2 naan (one serving)

1.5 cups yummy veggie stew with kidney beans (no salt or fat added)

Afternoon snack

1/2 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Small Fuji apple

Cuppa with milk and one Splenda

Supper

1.5 cups whole wheat spaghetti with unsweetened pumpkin puree & veggie sausage

1 litre water

Apres supper

Cup of (light) hot chocolate (45 cal.)

Packet of Chips Ahoy! 'cookies' (100 cal.)

Mandarin

1/2 litre water

Cupcake

xo

Apple crisp anyone?

Today's nosh:

Breakfast

1/3 cup large flake oatmeal cooked with 1/3 cup 1% milk & 1/3 cup water, cinnamon & one packet of Splenda

Cuppa my favourite Earl Gray with milk & Splenda

Lunch

Spicy black bean veggie burger with lettuce, tomato & 1 tbsp red pepper dip - yum!

1 litre of water flavoured with 1/2 strength Crystal Light

Mid-afternoon

1 smallish Fuji apple

Cup of (light) hot chocolate

Supper

1.5 cups of veggie stew - no salt or fat added

1/2 jasmine rice, lentil and quinoa blend

1/2 piece of naan (one serving)

Apres supper

1 mandarin

1/2 bag of 100 cal. bag o' snacks

Cuppa

1 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Today's GOISF:

My eating troubles, aka my overindulgence and sneakiness, started when I was young; this incident takes place when I was around 6 years old.  I remember my Mom making apple crisp.  It was so yummy that I wolfed it down like I'd never eaten before.  My Mom wouldn't give me any more and I was pissed.  After the parental units went to bed, I went to the kitchen and finished the entire apple crisp.  The next thing I remember is throwing up on my bed and then the silhouette of my Mom coming in to see why I was crying.  Rather repulsed, she left the room and returned carrying a large pot and a ladle.  Oh yes, she scooped and scooped.  Poor soul.  I think it wasn't too much after this that someone extremely close to me started calling me, 'Triple B' which stood for Bertha Big Butt.

The food aisles...

... at the One of a Kind show killed me.  Can you believe it?  Only 2 days into all this and I could kick myself for yesterday.  I'll get right into my food diary so y'all can see the mishaps.

Daily feast:

Breakfast

Oatmeal from Starbuck's with the dried fruit (totally acceptable breakfast)

Tall sugar-free, fat-free London Fog

Medium steeped tea from Tim Horton's with milk & one Splenda

Lunch

Large slice of Mediterranean (man, I had a rough time spelling that!) pizza... uh oh, not the greatest decision, but have you tried buying healthy food at a giant craft show?!  Not exactly the healthiest choices available.

Bottle of water

Free samples... deadly

I probably ate the equivalent of a chocolate bar in fat and calories worth of food samples.  Fuuuuuuuck.

Supper

4.5 pints of Stella Artois (reassuringly expensive) 

2 pieces of bread that were very reminiscent of a potato scone; a poor substitute for naan

Indian vegetable curry with jasmine rice 

3 tall glasses of water

Oh yeah, I also ate about 10 Tic Tacs.

It had only been 2 days since I vowed to eat better when I decided to let sweet and very tasty morsels of badness pass over my lips.  The guilt I am feeling about those stupid samples just isn't worth the yumminess.  Jeebus.  Did I really just think that?  Hmm, maybe my mindset is actually starting to shift.

The Stella wasn't the best choice either, but boy did I have fun!  Pretty sure all of downtown Toronto heard me singing, "Maaaaaamaaaaa ooooooh oooooh oooh, didn't mean to make you cry" etc, etc.  

One thing that's definitely changed from the past is that today I didn't crawl out of bed feeling sorry for myself.  I got up at 7:30 a.m., got showered, got the wee man up, and said hello to the World and felt genuinely happy.  I've eaten properly today, which again, is not something I'd normally do the day after going out super late and drinking.  I've gone for a walk with the guys, cleaned all the bathrooms, done 3 loads of laundry, swept the main floor & changed the bedding - not bad!  I'm hoping to have burned some serious calories doing all of that.

Wanna know what I normally would've done the day after a late night and drinking?  I'd normally have moaned a bit about getting up, been really grouchy (verging on mean) to everyone around me, winged about everything, stay unshowered and in my pajamas and eaten horribly unhealthy foods.

Yay me!

As much as I've beaten myself up for slipping a bit yesterday, I truly believe a few treats here and there may help me to not derail and binge in the future.  I hate feeling deprived of treats, it leads to future disaster anyway.

Chub Club was great!  I'm definitely going to go back.  When I weighed myself on the scale at Chub Club, I was at 196.4 which of course is almost 2 pounds less than my scale.  I'm not going to get excited about it because our scales could just be different.  From now on though, I'll know where I'm at.

T (name withheld to protect the innocent) and I are glad to have joined up with J and her group of supporters for a greater self - Chub Club.

I do believe I hear the light hot chocolate calling to me from the cupboard.  I'd hate to ignore it.

Cupcake

xo

Dear God, sorry to disturb you but...

... I was wondering why you or whatever almighty creator, made that sweet crystalline substance obtained from various plants so darn delicious, yet so terribly bad for us?  When I looked up 'sugar' in the dictionary, Oxford of course, there was an informal use of sugar: "a narcotic drug, especially heroin or LSD" - I'll say!  I think I actually had withdrawal from sugar yesterday.  My mood was up and down like a prom queen's head in the back of a limo!

Daily bread:

Breakfast

1/3 cup large flake oatmeal cooked with 1/3 cup 1% milk and 1/3 cup water.  Cinnamon and one packet of Splenda added.

Cuppa the 2nd most fantastic liquid on the planet, Earl Gray tea avec 1% milk and one Splenda

Mid-morning

1 litre water flavoured with Crystal Light (diluted to 1/4 recommended serving)

 

Lunch

Broccoli quiche - it tasted very gross, almost fishy (shudders) so luckily I didn't eat a lot of it

Garden salad with about one tbsp. of French dressing (frig, I love French dressing)

2 tbsp Callum's yogurt - fat free but had sugar (boo)

1 very small bite of the worst croissant in the world (I tried it to see why Callum wasn't eating it... then I figured it out!)

Mid-afternoon

Small skinny vanilla-bean latte... this is where it goes downhill a bit.  I bought it from Second Cup and I assumed, wrongly so, that skinny meant sugar-free and fat-free, but it doesn't.  It means 1% milk and the rest is the same.  Dammit.  I didn't finish it though 'cause I was feeling guilty.

Dinner

Portion of vegetarian Shepard's Pie, made by moi (no salt added)

1/2 can of Diet Pepsi, but it also tasted funny so it's now fizzing away waiting for me upstairs

1 litre water flavoured with another 1/4 package of Crystal Light

Evening indulgence

14 Quaker rice cakes (100 cal)

Cup of light hot chocolate (45 cal)

Exercise

Walking around Square One mall for 3 hours fending off crazed Americans!

Husband isn't going to be home tonight and I fear I will slip with food intake somehow.  I bought light hot chocolate (45 cal. per serving) and I'm hoping that will take away any craving for sweeties... aww, I could never stop loving sweeties, I meant sweets.  I almost caved several times today, but am very proud to say that I didn't.  Sadly I always beat myself up.  I can't stop thinking about the fact that I probably should've had something lighter for both lunch and dinner AND that I shouldn't have had that vanilla-bean latte.

The weird thing about me (one of) is that I can totally let myself go and then all of a sudden I decide it's time to shake myself out of it; I become totally brutal with myself.  There must be a way to achieve a comfortable middle ground.  This will be a goal for me.  Must figure out how to find a comfortable and healthy way of living.  Extremes are for sports and boobs, not me.

Today's GOISF:

This one time (at band camp... you know you were thinking it) I ate a whole box of Peak Freans cookies, the mixey-pack.  Now this alone may shock you, but there's more, there's always more.  When we lived in our last house in Burnaby, we lived approximately 5 minutes drive from Safeway.  Have you guessed it yet?  Yep.  I ate the whole box of cookies (starting in the parking lot), by the time I pulled in the driveway.  But oh no!  I had to pull back out of the driveway and drive until I found a garbage can to dispose my evidence in.

Cupcake

xo

P.S.

I'm trying out the Chub Club tomorrow, I'll let you know how it goes!

Places I just shouldn't go into...

1. Tim Horton's - goodies are too cheap and plentiful
2. Starbuck's - yumminess galore and too expensive 
3. Loblaw's during Xmas season - way too many delicious seasonal treats that Galen Weston convinces me I need

Feeling it...

... 'it' means so many things.  'It' means the love and support that has come pouring in!  I'm flattered, thrilled and humbled by your responses and own honesty and experiences - thank you.  'It' means the struggle of eating right today.  I knew I mowed down too much food, but one never really realizes it to its fullest degree until faced with writing it all down.  'It' means the lack of support that I need from my Mom.  'It' means feeling the sugar-low today.  'It' means the pride that I have today that I didn't have yesterday.  A miracle has not happened overnight, but I'm trying and that was more than I was doing yesterday.

So I hummed and hawed over the idea of telling my Mom about the blog but finally called her this morning and did just that.  She doesn't want to read it.  She said she doesn't want to hear about how this is all her fault.  Good god.  Seriously?!  Where's my support, my love, my encouragement?  After she could tell that I was hurt by her response, she told me to "... just make sure you don't get depressed by it" (writing the blog).  Thanks for the advice, Mom.  

The quiet struggle is something I didn't realize that so many of us have.  It seems that we've all got something going on.  There's something comforting about knowing you're not alone, but also something a bit disconcerting about knowing we're all hurting in some way.  I suppose that's life.  Focussing on the positive things in life is part of this 8 millionth new leaf I've turned over.  w00t!

The wee man is down for a nap and this typically is a chowing down on bad (for me) food time.  Today, I will not do that.

I have a goal dress.  Yep, you guessed it, it's the picture above.  About 3 years ago I bought the dress as my goal dress back then.  Ahem.  Mine is red with tiny little black polka dots and it's just the cutest thing ever.  I bought it in a large which means my bust would need to be 38", my waist would need to be 30" and my hips a cool 40".  Stop Staring! clothing are one of my favourite clothing designers and I can't really fit comfortably in their stuff anymore.  Boo, I say!  As most of you know, I love the retro look and dammit if I don't suit it too.  Thing of it is, women weren't carrying so much avoir du poids, ya know?

Here is my food diary for today, thus far:

Breakfast

1/3 cup large flake oatmeal cooked with 1/3 cup 1% milk and 1/3 cup water; cinnamon and one packet of Splenda were added.

Cuppa Earl Gray tea avec approx. 1/3 cup 1% milk and one packet o' Splenda

20 raisins

Snack

1/2 medium apple

Cuppa Earl Gray tea avec approx. 1/3 cup 1% milk and one packet o' Splenda

Lunch

1 whole wheat pita - 240 calories;  I was shocked as all get out when I read how many friggin' calories there are in one measly pita.

2 tbsp of delectable hummus (70 cal)

1 tbsp roasted red pepper dip (50 cal) - that shit's fattening!  I won't be buying it again.

1 medium carrot

Mid-afternoon

Cuppa Earl Gray tea avec approx. 1/3 cup 1% milk and one packet o'Splenda

Supper

2 x whole wheat (Weight Watchers) tortillas (180 cal. total)

1/2 medium sweet potato

1/3 cup black beans (tinned without salt)

1 tbsp salsa

2 tbsp light sour cream

2 tbsp light old cheddar

1 medium ear of corn

1 tbsp margarine

2 small bites of wee man's cheese quesadilla... trying to convince him it was yummy and he should eat it - no such luck!

Water intake:  2.5 litres

Exercise:  1/2 hour walk with wee man, so not brisk!

Yep, I'm hungry.  By all rights though, that should be enough food for me to be satisfied with, so I shall overcome the hunger and be happy that my lunch tasted so damn good!  One thing I realized today is how much of the wee man's food I eat.  

Okay, today's GOISF:

I fell for it.  Galen Weston told me to do it, so I did.  I bought the Dulce de leche cheesecake from President's Choice.  I don't even like cheesecake.  Nobody in this household likes cheesecake.  I ate the entire thing in two days.  That is a lot of cheesecake, calories and fat and I didn't even like it!  I ate it for breakfast, I snuck it before bed, and then lied about it being thrown into the garbage... unless my stomach is now the garbage.  Silly git.

Cupcake

xo

How thick is the icing on that cupcake?

First of all, I'd really like to thank those of you who have acknowledged my blog and the courage it has taken to do this - thank you.  I didn't send the message out to everyone I know, I hand-picked each and every one of you for a unique reason to you.  

It's funny when one opens up who responds.  There are those whom you expect will respond and don't.  Then there are those whom you are unsure if they will even care and they turn out to be the most responsive.  Deep down in my heart, a little too deep sometimes, I love people.  They scare the crap out of me, but I love people nonetheless.

Tonight, much like most times I am going to lose weight and eat right, etc, etc, I ate ice cream and justified it with, "Well, I've got to get it out of the house 'cause it's too much of a temptation".  I've always got a reason to pig out.  To be honest, I don't even enjoy it most of the time anymore because I've overdone it. 

Starting tomorrow, I will be recording everything I eat and I mean everything.  I will be as honest with the food list as I am with anything else I reveal here.

As promised, I got my tape measure out.  The numbers were staggering and I contemplated not posting them at all.  All the more reason to post them.

Height:  5'7"

Weight: 198.4

Wrist:  9.5"

Bust (sans bra):  44"

Under bust:  37"

Waist:  40"

Tummy:  44"

Hips:  42"

Thighs:  26"  

Mid-calf:  15.5"

Ankle:  8 3/4"

Neck:  14"

Upper arm:  13 3/4"

Forearm:  10 1/4"

After analysing my measurements I realized that my boobs and tummy are the same size!  People are always commenting on how big my boobs are... uh oh.  Maybe the boobs distract the eye from my tummy?  Let's hope so! 

My ankles are smaller than my wrists.  What the hell's with that?

Accepting myself for who I am is never going to happen.  I really want it to, but in my 34 years of life I've not been able to do it yet.  I wonder what it would be like to think highly of myself, hell even not to constantly hate myself would be nice. 

For the next wee while I will also be telling one gross, over indulgent and sneaky food (GOISF) incident per day.  Here is today's GOISF:

I am a regular patron of Tim Horton's.  When I walk in I'm already excited about what I'm going to get.  Sometimes I've been known to go crazy in there and it's become embarrassing to keep ordering more and more goodies.  As any good addict does, I figured out a way around this.  I would write a list while waiting in line and then it would look like I was buying goodies for a group of people.  If I was feeling particularly piggy that day, I would go to the extent of ordering a few coffees to go with the goodies so that the cashier wouldn't get suspicious.  Yep, addict paranoia as well.  The final nail in the coffin for this GOISF, I would throw the coffees away because I don't even like coffee.  It seems so insane and that freaks me out.

Let's hope tomorrow's 8 millionth fresh start and new regime will stick.  I've never been known to stick with anything... other than self-loathing.

Cupcake

xo

My tummy hurts.

Sadly, my tummy hurts frequently.  I'm sure if you've read the brief description of what this writing will be about, you realize my tummy hurts a lot because I'm always stuffed to the gills with food.  Bad food.  Good food.  Any food.

During my discovery of self, I am going to start right at the beginning of my life with food.  Of course, it begins with home life.

My Mom is a wonderful woman, but she self-loathes and consequently self-medicates with food.  She's sneaky with it and will actually hide it from my Dad so that he doesn't know she's bought it.  I've seen this behaviour since I was a little girl.  Now if it was booze she was hiding, people would be all over her, trying to save her from herself and her addiction.  Hiding food on the other hand seems okay somehow.  A little weird maybe, but still okay.  In reality, it's not okay at all.  

I remember snippets of being a toddler and watching my Mom standing in front of the kitchen sink, staring out the window, eating something.  It didn't even look like she was enjoying it, or even noticing the fact that she was eating.  The other day, I was standing in the kitchen, staring out the window, eating a cookie and not even really thinking about anything.  I was a total zombie about the whole thing.  Good god.  What has happened to me?

Pretty much the whole time I was growing up, my Mom wore a size 16.  I swore up and down I would never be as big as my Mom.  I now wear a size 16, but sometimes an 18!  I don't think most people would guess that I wear a size 16 because apparently my weight is spread out all over, thus making me look a bit smaller.  Frig, who cares.

Does size matter?  Yep.  It's sad, but it's true.  You know it is.  As a woman, my lowest weight was 126 lbs. and my highest was 224 lbs.  Granted the 224 lbs. was at just over 8 months pregnant, but still, after the baby came out most of the weight was still there.  

People treat you differently depending on how fat or skinny you are.  When I weighed 126 lbs. I could do no wrong.  Now I've really thought about this.  Could it be that I had a better attitude when I weighed 126 lbs?  Maybe.  I know for a fact though, people turn their snouts up at me (especially in Oakville) now that I rest at 198.4 lbs.  I feel like shit.  I look like shit.  I get treated like shit.  If I have to hear, "You're so pretty, if you could just lose a few pounds...", I will go ape shit!

I will measure myself tonight and post my grim stats here for all the public to read.  Also, a goal is going to be set for myself.  What do I want to achieve is the pertinent question.  I can't just write about being fat and a food addict, I have to want to go somewhere with all of this.

This blog is going to be awfully self-indulgent - readers beware.  My soul will be bared for all to see and I hope to hear comments and your own stories.

Until next time, I need to go hide the empty box of deluxe President's Choice cookies that I polished off since yesterday.  Grim.

Cupcake

xo