Last post, December 15th?! Good lord.

Okay y'all, please don't give up on me.  I'm here.  A brief hiatus that was due, but not warranted.  Thank you to Jacquie and Jenn for mentioning my lack of posting.  I was embarrassed and jolted into being reminded of my goals - I appreciate it gals.  To be honest, I really didn't think anyone was reading.  Then again, this is supposed to be for me and it shouldn't fizz on me one way or another if anyone's reading.  Silly girl.

The holidays have brought gorging, sick swollen bellies full of food, and shame.  A complete disregard for myself has emerged once again.  Zoiks!

You will see a change starting tomorrow.  As for today, I'm going to slack.  I have a cold and I feel like crap.  I shall eat and thoroughly enjoy pizza tonight and not feel one ounce of guilt about it. Then tomorrow I shall turn over my 8 million and 10th new leaf.

Family obligations have made it so I haven't gone to Chub Club in 2 weeks, but as I have said before, I will be an active member.  I will be back and happy about it this Saturday.  On a Chub Club note, props are in order for T who won the coveted magnet this week - biggest loser!  Not only is this fantastic, but it's down right amazing.  To be able to lose weight during this season of gluttony is awesome!  Way to go T!  And yes, I made sure she has the magnet.

On a side note, thank you to all the great friends that I feel so lucky to share my life with.  Ontario had the potential to be an awfully lonely place for a newcomer, but so many of you have opened your hearts, minds and houses to me.  I am grateful and humbled.  You rock!

GOISF:

Two days ago I was already bursting with treats when my Mom brought out a 7-layer dip.  I ate it until I felt so sick that I burped and puked a little in my mouth.  Eww!  Who eats like that? Honestly. 

Blargh.

There has been no food diarizing.  There has been food wrapper hiding... again.  So often I wonder what the hell is wrong with me?!  For goodness sake, it's just food. 

I gorged last week and felt painfully guilty about it.  The stupid thing is, I honestly didn't even enjoy any of the food.  I'm finding it difficult to actually enjoy food lately, but I still keep eating it and gorging on it.  I'm kind of scared by this behaviour.

On Friday night my husband rushed home from work so that I could get to the Chub Club Xmas party.  I was so touched that he rushed home for me.  Throughout all of this he's been a very good supporter.  

The Chub Club Xmas party was great, although I was completely dreading setting foot on the scale.  The stupid thing is, I still ended up losing 2 pounds.  I felt so much shame that I'd lost the weight because I totally didn't deserve it.  I don't even understand how it happened.  My very dear friend T has been working her ass off, exercising regularly, and eating right.  I'm so proud of her; she also lost 2 pounds last week - go T!  

At Chub Club we have the Biggest Loser magnet that goes home with the member who lost the most weight that week.  T and I tied for the weight lost and I really thought she should've taken  the magnet home because she is on the healthy track, both mind and body.  I'm going to alleviate the guilt I feel over taking the magnet home (as directed by Mama Chub) by proving to myself (and T) that I can work hard.  Today I feel like crap and can barely move because of a very sore back, but at least I can eat properly.

I realized during my crap eating week that I can't handle 100 calorie snack packs of junk.  These are just recipe for disaster for me.  My little taste buds get all excited about the yumminess of the treat and just want more.  I guess I'm not at the right place in my journey to be able to introduce these snacks into my daily food regime.  Boo.  Self control has got to be something I figure out.

This journey is really emotional for me.  I found myself almost in tears listening to the gals at Chub Club reading out a lovely list of ways to feel better about one's self.  My journey is not about food.  Food is just another way I abuse myself.

Saturday night I went out to an Xmas party and I actually felt pretty, to be honest, kind of hot actually.  I really wanted someone to take my picture, but at the same time didn't want to ruin how I was feeling by critiquing a photo of myself.  Pretty sure I have a handful of photos of myself that I like and that's it.  So I happily accepted the fact that I felt hotsie totsie and felt secretly pleased with myself.  I think I was standing a bit taller on Saturday and it wasn't just because of the 3.5" heels!

At first I wasn't sure if Chub Club was for me, but now that I've met everyone I know we all have our journeys, stories and challenges.  I am an active member, I don't just belong.

Cupcake

xo

Nggh.

Really unproductive day.  Fought with myself over the course of today.  Wanted junk food.  Not quite accurate, but wanted some easy food.  Didn't feel like helping myself out.

Food:

Breakfast

Piece of toast with 1 tbsp almond butter & 1 tbsp nsa jam

Cuppa with milk & Splenda

Lunch

Weight Watchers whole wheat bagel with 2 tbsp light cream cheese

1 litre water flavoured with 1/2 pink lemonade Crystal Light

Supper

1/2 cup Jade blend

Approx. 1.5 cups veggie chili; no added salt and minimum oil (1 tbsp for very large batch)

Encouragement bite of the wee man's grilled cheese sandwich 

Apres supper

1 litre water flavoured with 1/2 strength pink lemonade Crystal Light

100 calorie bag each of Ritz & Chips Ahoy!  (so not a good decision to have both)

Cup of light hot chocolate

Such a crap food day.  The chili's not crap though.

I'm so used to talking smack talk about myself that I've stopped noticing it.  Lately people are getting fed up hearing it.  I can tell.  It's happened before and actually destroyed relationships and friendships.  So desperately don't want that to happen again.

Grocery shopping will help.  Tomorrow I will shop.  Tomorrow.

Cupcake

xo

Sunday morning... brings the dawn in.

Last night was not good on so many levels.  I got drunk.  I didn't mean to.  At one point I was fine and then the next I wasn't.  I think it's because I don't drink very often.  The transformation had begun.  Once in the evening a sweet not so annoying person became a self-loathing annoying drunk.  Yikes.

I was thrilled to find that nobody was angry with me, other than myself.  The sad bit is, when speaking with J, I found that I had been spouting off about how gross, disgusting and fat I am and that it was okay for my friends to think that of me because it was true.  I need to change the record because I'm tired of this same old tune.

The other really sad thing is, I blew my good eating habits yesterday.  As much as this is going to hurt, I have to show you what I ate yesterday.

Gluttony:

Breakfast

Cuppa with SUGAR and milk

1 piece of toast with butter and full-sugar jam

Pack of Ritz crackers (100 cal.)

1/2 grande London Fog (1% milk and full sugar vanilla)

1 large sesame bagel with two small packets of full fat cream cheese

1/4 cranberry bliss bar

Lunch

Grilled cheese sandwich

2 glasses of Kool-Aid

Small bowl of tomato soup (loaded with sodium)

2 crackers

On the train

Mug of hot chocolate

One sugar cookie

Supper

Veggie burger on a giant bun with mayonnaise

Frings of which I left most of the fries, but only because they tasted weird

Diet Pepsi

Apres supper

Diet Pepsi

100 calorie pack of Ritz crackers

Balance of the cranberry bliss bar

One thing I've noticed is that whenever I am feeling crappy about myself, I always end up reaching for (food, yes) but also Diet Pepsi.  It's weird.  When I'm eating healthily, I don't even really think about drinking DP.  Odd that.

Today I am struggling to even want to get back on track.  I must persevere.

Cupcake

xo

Fading away!

Now that title is a little dramatic, but I have lost 3 pounds this week!  In actual fact, I had lost four but we had treat night yesterday and apparently it netted me a one pound weight gain - boo. Stupidly, I was disappointed by the only 3 pound weight loss as I thought it was going to be much more than that.  I've decided I need to redefine my idea of perfection so as to be able to realize some success.  

I grew up with the idea that things had to be perfect.  If you weren't going to be the best, then don't even participate.  Good lord.  No exactly the best message to be sending.  Mistakes happen.  Nobody will always be the best at everything.  There's a book that we read to the wee man called, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss.  This book is great.  It talks all about how you're going to do wonderful things and be the best, etc, etc. except for when you're not and that's okay.  Such a good message for kids and adults alike.

Yesterday, as much as I really didn't want to, I went to the gym.  It first took needling from G and then a teary phone call to T.  Yep, I was sitting in the parking lot for gym crying.  I was so worried that people would be judging me, etc.  T told me to "Stop being so friggin' vain..." and as much as it hurt me for a moment or two, she was right.  She helped me in that door and I'm really grateful to her for that.  Much like many things, the first time is usually the scariest.  

I worked on the elliptical and burned 327 calories in 30 minutes of working out, followed by the 5 minute cool-down.  Then proceeded to do the 20 minute workout circuit with the weight machines.  All of this was really tough, especially after someone commented on how I must be working really hard.  My face was like a tomato!  Ach well, with time it will take more and more before I look like a tomato.

I hate blushing.  I do that a lot too.

My food diary has been in my head the past couple of days; this will not keep occurring.  Writing everything down is a necessary evil for me, at least for now.

This week's goals:

1. Go to the gym at least twice
2. Continue to eat healthily
3. Blog
4. Work on self-esteem and redefining 'perfect'

Today's consumption:

2 cups tea with milk and Splenda

1 litre water

Lunch

1 piece of toast (110 cal.)

2 large eggs

2 tsp whole grain mustard

Supper

Lean Cuisine roasted veg. pizza (not very good, but helped to curb the pizza craving)

Can o' Diet Pepsi

Apres supper

More alcohol than one human should consume (rum and a some Guinness)

2 carrot sticks

Cupcake

xo

Burn baby, burn!

No, it's not a disco inferno.  It's a workout.  A painful one.  My legs already hurt from doing the treadmill workout that J gave me.  Hard work.  Lots of sweat.  Only 161 calories burned.  Ouch. Those innocent 100 calorie bags of snacks are looking less appealing.  I'll still eat them though!

I'm actually really struggling today.  I should never have boasted about being in such a good mood because it's all come crumbling down around me.  Unbearable is what I am today.  You know the bitchy Moms y'all see in the mall, scolding their children?  Yep, that's me today.  To my credit the wee man is impossible to potty train, won't eat anything, runs around like a maniac and won't listen to a word I say.  He drives me nuts.  I'm actually at my wits end.  It's a good thing I love him so much!  I haven't done any comfort eating, and for this I am glad.  Only thing is, I really want to.  I think maybe I'll go shed a tear or two into a good cuppa.  

I'm like a ticking time bomb.

Food diary:

Petit dejeuner

1/3 large flake oatmeal cooked with 1/3 cup 1% milk, one packet of Splenda and cinnamon

Cuppa with milk & Splenda

Snack

1 smallish Fuji apple

Cuppa with milk and one Splenda

1 litre water (over the course of breakfast and snack)

Dejeuner

1 cup of whole wheat pasta with unsweetened pumpkin puree and veggie sausage

1/2 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Supper

1 Yves veggie burger

1 Weight Watchers whole wheat bun

Lettuce; 1/2 tbsp light mayo; 1 tbsp whole grain dijon mustard (scrummy!); onions & 1/2 a red pepper; 1/2 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp green peas

2 tbsp corn

1/2 cup mashed potatoes with minimal butter & milk

Apres supper

Cup of (light) hot chocolate (45 cal.)

Crazy healthy and yummy oatmeal raisin cookie (85 cal.)

1/2 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Today's GOISF:

When I was pregnant I wanted ice cream all the time.  Pretty much every day I would eat one of those yummy tubs of Haagen-Dazs or Ben & Jerry's or this really yummy soy ice cream I found that had black cherries and dark chocolate... so good.  Everyone kept warning me, maybe a bit too gently... "Cupcake, ice cream is such a quick way to put on..." and before they even really got that far all I could hear was Charlie Brown's teacher.  I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it felt so good.  I gained almost 55 pounds when I was pregnant.  So totally unhealthy.  Sometimes I wonder if that's why the wee man was almost a month early.  Was he suffocating in my fat womb?  I harbor major guilt about it and he's almost 3 years old.  

Cupcake

xo

P.S.

I didn't cave.  My emotions didn't get the better of me.  Yay me!

Mele Kalikimaka

I just love the way those gals sing the chorus in Mele Kalikimaka.  Sometimes, probably more frequently than normal, I imagine myself as a backup singer in the 1950s... ahh doo wop girls.  Where would the world be without them ;)  Would it scare you to know that I have funky and fun Xmas songs constantly running through my head?  It kind of freaked me out, but to be honest, I love Xmas music.  Ever since the wee man was born, I love Xmas!  There's something very strange going on with me right now.  My mood.  It's, dare I say it?  Really good.  Now those of you who know me and I mean really know me, are aware of the fact that I suffer from some serious mood swings.  When I look back, I realize my mood improved greatly at the time I set out on this journey to a happier and better self.  Scary.  I wonder if it's the lack of crap going into my body?  I also think my approach is a bit different this time in that I am not depriving myself.

I read an article that talks about depriving and then consequent bingeing.  This quote in particular hit home for me:  "A cycle of deprivation and excessive sugar intake reinforces bingeing."  Sounds obvious, right?  Maybe reading it in "Psychology Today" will help reinforce the concept in my thick skull?!  There was one more thing that made me curious:  "The rats exhibited behavioural changes even when sugar was replaced with the artificial sweetener saccharin.  "It appears to be the sweetness, more than the calories, that fuels sugar dependence," say Hoebel."  Again, scary.

If you've been paying mind to my food diaries, you'll see that I consume quite a significant amount of Splenda.  It has been an ongoing concern, maybe curiousity, whether or not artificial sweeteners are helping me, or aiding in my failure.  I must read more on this.

Consumption of less quantity:

Breakfast

One deliciously lovely homemade pancake (1/4 cup batter)

1 tbsp equally delicious and lovely Quebec maple syrup

Cuppa with milk and one Splenda

Lunch

Garden veggie sandwich on whole wheat with light cream cheese from Tim Horton's

Medium steeped tea with milk and one Splenda

1 litre water

Supper

1.5 cups veggie & kidney bean stew (no salt or fat added)

1/2 cup 'Jade' blend

1 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

1 tbsp light sour cream

Apres supper

Smallish Fuji apple

Cup of light hot chocolate (45 cal.)

Bag of Chips Ahoy! (100 cal.)

Today's GOISF:

I used to live in Burnaby.  The next city over from Burnaby is Coquitlam.  I would drive to Coquitlam to go to Burger King.  That's like almost a half hour drive just to go visit the King.  I adore their veggie burgers... with cheese... and mayonnaise.  Then I'd get fries, onion rings, and a milkshake, along with my Diet Coke... just so I could say something was calorie-free.  Idiot.  Then in the same plaza was (you know...) Tim Horton's.  Away I'd go and order tons of crap from there too.  The cherry on top?  I never even had to get out of the car.  I'd feel so sick by the time I was done this feast for four that I'd put the wee man down for his nap when we'd get home.  I'd then have a nap too and wake up an hour or so later, wondering if there was anything good to eat in the house.  Shocking.

Cupcake

xo

Being tired.

I decided to sit down and figure out what triggers my bad eating.  I think it would've been easier to figure out what doesn't trigger my eating!

Feel sad?  Eat.  Feel social?  Eat AND drink.  Feel blah?  Eat.  Bored?  Eat.  You get the idea.

One thing that I think I will focus on is sleeping.  When I feel better rested, I feel more inclined to do right by myself, i.e. eat right.

Food consumed on December 1st:

Breakfast

2 slices Weight Watchers whole wheat bread (actually only 1.5 b/c the wee man decided he needed to "Trrrryyyy Muuuummmmy's toast?" 

1 tbsp almond butter

1 tbsp nsa (no sugar added) jam

Partial cuppa with milk and Splenda

1/2 litre of water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Lunch

1/3 cup 'Jade' blend:  jasmine rice, lentils, quinoa

1/2 naan (one serving)

1.5 cups yummy veggie stew with kidney beans (no salt or fat added)

Afternoon snack

1/2 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Small Fuji apple

Cuppa with milk and one Splenda

Supper

1.5 cups whole wheat spaghetti with unsweetened pumpkin puree & veggie sausage

1 litre water

Apres supper

Cup of (light) hot chocolate (45 cal.)

Packet of Chips Ahoy! 'cookies' (100 cal.)

Mandarin

1/2 litre water

Cupcake

xo