Apple crisp anyone?

Today's nosh:

Breakfast

1/3 cup large flake oatmeal cooked with 1/3 cup 1% milk & 1/3 cup water, cinnamon & one packet of Splenda

Cuppa my favourite Earl Gray with milk & Splenda

Lunch

Spicy black bean veggie burger with lettuce, tomato & 1 tbsp red pepper dip - yum!

1 litre of water flavoured with 1/2 strength Crystal Light

Mid-afternoon

1 smallish Fuji apple

Cup of (light) hot chocolate

Supper

1.5 cups of veggie stew - no salt or fat added

1/2 jasmine rice, lentil and quinoa blend

1/2 piece of naan (one serving)

Apres supper

1 mandarin

1/2 bag of 100 cal. bag o' snacks

Cuppa

1 litre water flavoured with 1/4 strength Crystal Light

Today's GOISF:

My eating troubles, aka my overindulgence and sneakiness, started when I was young; this incident takes place when I was around 6 years old.  I remember my Mom making apple crisp.  It was so yummy that I wolfed it down like I'd never eaten before.  My Mom wouldn't give me any more and I was pissed.  After the parental units went to bed, I went to the kitchen and finished the entire apple crisp.  The next thing I remember is throwing up on my bed and then the silhouette of my Mom coming in to see why I was crying.  Rather repulsed, she left the room and returned carrying a large pot and a ladle.  Oh yes, she scooped and scooped.  Poor soul.  I think it wasn't too much after this that someone extremely close to me started calling me, 'Triple B' which stood for Bertha Big Butt.

The food aisles...

... at the One of a Kind show killed me.  Can you believe it?  Only 2 days into all this and I could kick myself for yesterday.  I'll get right into my food diary so y'all can see the mishaps.

Daily feast:

Breakfast

Oatmeal from Starbuck's with the dried fruit (totally acceptable breakfast)

Tall sugar-free, fat-free London Fog

Medium steeped tea from Tim Horton's with milk & one Splenda

Lunch

Large slice of Mediterranean (man, I had a rough time spelling that!) pizza... uh oh, not the greatest decision, but have you tried buying healthy food at a giant craft show?!  Not exactly the healthiest choices available.

Bottle of water

Free samples... deadly

I probably ate the equivalent of a chocolate bar in fat and calories worth of food samples.  Fuuuuuuuck.

Supper

4.5 pints of Stella Artois (reassuringly expensive) 

2 pieces of bread that were very reminiscent of a potato scone; a poor substitute for naan

Indian vegetable curry with jasmine rice 

3 tall glasses of water

Oh yeah, I also ate about 10 Tic Tacs.

It had only been 2 days since I vowed to eat better when I decided to let sweet and very tasty morsels of badness pass over my lips.  The guilt I am feeling about those stupid samples just isn't worth the yumminess.  Jeebus.  Did I really just think that?  Hmm, maybe my mindset is actually starting to shift.

The Stella wasn't the best choice either, but boy did I have fun!  Pretty sure all of downtown Toronto heard me singing, "Maaaaaamaaaaa ooooooh oooooh oooh, didn't mean to make you cry" etc, etc.  

One thing that's definitely changed from the past is that today I didn't crawl out of bed feeling sorry for myself.  I got up at 7:30 a.m., got showered, got the wee man up, and said hello to the World and felt genuinely happy.  I've eaten properly today, which again, is not something I'd normally do the day after going out super late and drinking.  I've gone for a walk with the guys, cleaned all the bathrooms, done 3 loads of laundry, swept the main floor & changed the bedding - not bad!  I'm hoping to have burned some serious calories doing all of that.

Wanna know what I normally would've done the day after a late night and drinking?  I'd normally have moaned a bit about getting up, been really grouchy (verging on mean) to everyone around me, winged about everything, stay unshowered and in my pajamas and eaten horribly unhealthy foods.

Yay me!

As much as I've beaten myself up for slipping a bit yesterday, I truly believe a few treats here and there may help me to not derail and binge in the future.  I hate feeling deprived of treats, it leads to future disaster anyway.

Chub Club was great!  I'm definitely going to go back.  When I weighed myself on the scale at Chub Club, I was at 196.4 which of course is almost 2 pounds less than my scale.  I'm not going to get excited about it because our scales could just be different.  From now on though, I'll know where I'm at.

T (name withheld to protect the innocent) and I are glad to have joined up with J and her group of supporters for a greater self - Chub Club.

I do believe I hear the light hot chocolate calling to me from the cupboard.  I'd hate to ignore it.

Cupcake

xo

Dear God, sorry to disturb you but...

... I was wondering why you or whatever almighty creator, made that sweet crystalline substance obtained from various plants so darn delicious, yet so terribly bad for us?  When I looked up 'sugar' in the dictionary, Oxford of course, there was an informal use of sugar: "a narcotic drug, especially heroin or LSD" - I'll say!  I think I actually had withdrawal from sugar yesterday.  My mood was up and down like a prom queen's head in the back of a limo!

Daily bread:

Breakfast

1/3 cup large flake oatmeal cooked with 1/3 cup 1% milk and 1/3 cup water.  Cinnamon and one packet of Splenda added.

Cuppa the 2nd most fantastic liquid on the planet, Earl Gray tea avec 1% milk and one Splenda

Mid-morning

1 litre water flavoured with Crystal Light (diluted to 1/4 recommended serving)

 

Lunch

Broccoli quiche - it tasted very gross, almost fishy (shudders) so luckily I didn't eat a lot of it

Garden salad with about one tbsp. of French dressing (frig, I love French dressing)

2 tbsp Callum's yogurt - fat free but had sugar (boo)

1 very small bite of the worst croissant in the world (I tried it to see why Callum wasn't eating it... then I figured it out!)

Mid-afternoon

Small skinny vanilla-bean latte... this is where it goes downhill a bit.  I bought it from Second Cup and I assumed, wrongly so, that skinny meant sugar-free and fat-free, but it doesn't.  It means 1% milk and the rest is the same.  Dammit.  I didn't finish it though 'cause I was feeling guilty.

Dinner

Portion of vegetarian Shepard's Pie, made by moi (no salt added)

1/2 can of Diet Pepsi, but it also tasted funny so it's now fizzing away waiting for me upstairs

1 litre water flavoured with another 1/4 package of Crystal Light

Evening indulgence

14 Quaker rice cakes (100 cal)

Cup of light hot chocolate (45 cal)

Exercise

Walking around Square One mall for 3 hours fending off crazed Americans!

Husband isn't going to be home tonight and I fear I will slip with food intake somehow.  I bought light hot chocolate (45 cal. per serving) and I'm hoping that will take away any craving for sweeties... aww, I could never stop loving sweeties, I meant sweets.  I almost caved several times today, but am very proud to say that I didn't.  Sadly I always beat myself up.  I can't stop thinking about the fact that I probably should've had something lighter for both lunch and dinner AND that I shouldn't have had that vanilla-bean latte.

The weird thing about me (one of) is that I can totally let myself go and then all of a sudden I decide it's time to shake myself out of it; I become totally brutal with myself.  There must be a way to achieve a comfortable middle ground.  This will be a goal for me.  Must figure out how to find a comfortable and healthy way of living.  Extremes are for sports and boobs, not me.

Today's GOISF:

This one time (at band camp... you know you were thinking it) I ate a whole box of Peak Freans cookies, the mixey-pack.  Now this alone may shock you, but there's more, there's always more.  When we lived in our last house in Burnaby, we lived approximately 5 minutes drive from Safeway.  Have you guessed it yet?  Yep.  I ate the whole box of cookies (starting in the parking lot), by the time I pulled in the driveway.  But oh no!  I had to pull back out of the driveway and drive until I found a garbage can to dispose my evidence in.

Cupcake

xo

P.S.

I'm trying out the Chub Club tomorrow, I'll let you know how it goes!

Places I just shouldn't go into...

1. Tim Horton's - goodies are too cheap and plentiful
2. Starbuck's - yumminess galore and too expensive 
3. Loblaw's during Xmas season - way too many delicious seasonal treats that Galen Weston convinces me I need

Feeling it...

... 'it' means so many things.  'It' means the love and support that has come pouring in!  I'm flattered, thrilled and humbled by your responses and own honesty and experiences - thank you.  'It' means the struggle of eating right today.  I knew I mowed down too much food, but one never really realizes it to its fullest degree until faced with writing it all down.  'It' means the lack of support that I need from my Mom.  'It' means feeling the sugar-low today.  'It' means the pride that I have today that I didn't have yesterday.  A miracle has not happened overnight, but I'm trying and that was more than I was doing yesterday.

So I hummed and hawed over the idea of telling my Mom about the blog but finally called her this morning and did just that.  She doesn't want to read it.  She said she doesn't want to hear about how this is all her fault.  Good god.  Seriously?!  Where's my support, my love, my encouragement?  After she could tell that I was hurt by her response, she told me to "... just make sure you don't get depressed by it" (writing the blog).  Thanks for the advice, Mom.  

The quiet struggle is something I didn't realize that so many of us have.  It seems that we've all got something going on.  There's something comforting about knowing you're not alone, but also something a bit disconcerting about knowing we're all hurting in some way.  I suppose that's life.  Focussing on the positive things in life is part of this 8 millionth new leaf I've turned over.  w00t!

The wee man is down for a nap and this typically is a chowing down on bad (for me) food time.  Today, I will not do that.

I have a goal dress.  Yep, you guessed it, it's the picture above.  About 3 years ago I bought the dress as my goal dress back then.  Ahem.  Mine is red with tiny little black polka dots and it's just the cutest thing ever.  I bought it in a large which means my bust would need to be 38", my waist would need to be 30" and my hips a cool 40".  Stop Staring! clothing are one of my favourite clothing designers and I can't really fit comfortably in their stuff anymore.  Boo, I say!  As most of you know, I love the retro look and dammit if I don't suit it too.  Thing of it is, women weren't carrying so much avoir du poids, ya know?

Here is my food diary for today, thus far:

Breakfast

1/3 cup large flake oatmeal cooked with 1/3 cup 1% milk and 1/3 cup water; cinnamon and one packet of Splenda were added.

Cuppa Earl Gray tea avec approx. 1/3 cup 1% milk and one packet o' Splenda

20 raisins

Snack

1/2 medium apple

Cuppa Earl Gray tea avec approx. 1/3 cup 1% milk and one packet o' Splenda

Lunch

1 whole wheat pita - 240 calories;  I was shocked as all get out when I read how many friggin' calories there are in one measly pita.

2 tbsp of delectable hummus (70 cal)

1 tbsp roasted red pepper dip (50 cal) - that shit's fattening!  I won't be buying it again.

1 medium carrot

Mid-afternoon

Cuppa Earl Gray tea avec approx. 1/3 cup 1% milk and one packet o'Splenda

Supper

2 x whole wheat (Weight Watchers) tortillas (180 cal. total)

1/2 medium sweet potato

1/3 cup black beans (tinned without salt)

1 tbsp salsa

2 tbsp light sour cream

2 tbsp light old cheddar

1 medium ear of corn

1 tbsp margarine

2 small bites of wee man's cheese quesadilla... trying to convince him it was yummy and he should eat it - no such luck!

Water intake:  2.5 litres

Exercise:  1/2 hour walk with wee man, so not brisk!

Yep, I'm hungry.  By all rights though, that should be enough food for me to be satisfied with, so I shall overcome the hunger and be happy that my lunch tasted so damn good!  One thing I realized today is how much of the wee man's food I eat.  

Okay, today's GOISF:

I fell for it.  Galen Weston told me to do it, so I did.  I bought the Dulce de leche cheesecake from President's Choice.  I don't even like cheesecake.  Nobody in this household likes cheesecake.  I ate the entire thing in two days.  That is a lot of cheesecake, calories and fat and I didn't even like it!  I ate it for breakfast, I snuck it before bed, and then lied about it being thrown into the garbage... unless my stomach is now the garbage.  Silly git.

Cupcake

xo

How thick is the icing on that cupcake?

First of all, I'd really like to thank those of you who have acknowledged my blog and the courage it has taken to do this - thank you.  I didn't send the message out to everyone I know, I hand-picked each and every one of you for a unique reason to you.  

It's funny when one opens up who responds.  There are those whom you expect will respond and don't.  Then there are those whom you are unsure if they will even care and they turn out to be the most responsive.  Deep down in my heart, a little too deep sometimes, I love people.  They scare the crap out of me, but I love people nonetheless.

Tonight, much like most times I am going to lose weight and eat right, etc, etc, I ate ice cream and justified it with, "Well, I've got to get it out of the house 'cause it's too much of a temptation".  I've always got a reason to pig out.  To be honest, I don't even enjoy it most of the time anymore because I've overdone it. 

Starting tomorrow, I will be recording everything I eat and I mean everything.  I will be as honest with the food list as I am with anything else I reveal here.

As promised, I got my tape measure out.  The numbers were staggering and I contemplated not posting them at all.  All the more reason to post them.

Height:  5'7"

Weight: 198.4

Wrist:  9.5"

Bust (sans bra):  44"

Under bust:  37"

Waist:  40"

Tummy:  44"

Hips:  42"

Thighs:  26"  

Mid-calf:  15.5"

Ankle:  8 3/4"

Neck:  14"

Upper arm:  13 3/4"

Forearm:  10 1/4"

After analysing my measurements I realized that my boobs and tummy are the same size!  People are always commenting on how big my boobs are... uh oh.  Maybe the boobs distract the eye from my tummy?  Let's hope so! 

My ankles are smaller than my wrists.  What the hell's with that?

Accepting myself for who I am is never going to happen.  I really want it to, but in my 34 years of life I've not been able to do it yet.  I wonder what it would be like to think highly of myself, hell even not to constantly hate myself would be nice. 

For the next wee while I will also be telling one gross, over indulgent and sneaky food (GOISF) incident per day.  Here is today's GOISF:

I am a regular patron of Tim Horton's.  When I walk in I'm already excited about what I'm going to get.  Sometimes I've been known to go crazy in there and it's become embarrassing to keep ordering more and more goodies.  As any good addict does, I figured out a way around this.  I would write a list while waiting in line and then it would look like I was buying goodies for a group of people.  If I was feeling particularly piggy that day, I would go to the extent of ordering a few coffees to go with the goodies so that the cashier wouldn't get suspicious.  Yep, addict paranoia as well.  The final nail in the coffin for this GOISF, I would throw the coffees away because I don't even like coffee.  It seems so insane and that freaks me out.

Let's hope tomorrow's 8 millionth fresh start and new regime will stick.  I've never been known to stick with anything... other than self-loathing.

Cupcake

xo

My tummy hurts.

Sadly, my tummy hurts frequently.  I'm sure if you've read the brief description of what this writing will be about, you realize my tummy hurts a lot because I'm always stuffed to the gills with food.  Bad food.  Good food.  Any food.

During my discovery of self, I am going to start right at the beginning of my life with food.  Of course, it begins with home life.

My Mom is a wonderful woman, but she self-loathes and consequently self-medicates with food.  She's sneaky with it and will actually hide it from my Dad so that he doesn't know she's bought it.  I've seen this behaviour since I was a little girl.  Now if it was booze she was hiding, people would be all over her, trying to save her from herself and her addiction.  Hiding food on the other hand seems okay somehow.  A little weird maybe, but still okay.  In reality, it's not okay at all.  

I remember snippets of being a toddler and watching my Mom standing in front of the kitchen sink, staring out the window, eating something.  It didn't even look like she was enjoying it, or even noticing the fact that she was eating.  The other day, I was standing in the kitchen, staring out the window, eating a cookie and not even really thinking about anything.  I was a total zombie about the whole thing.  Good god.  What has happened to me?

Pretty much the whole time I was growing up, my Mom wore a size 16.  I swore up and down I would never be as big as my Mom.  I now wear a size 16, but sometimes an 18!  I don't think most people would guess that I wear a size 16 because apparently my weight is spread out all over, thus making me look a bit smaller.  Frig, who cares.

Does size matter?  Yep.  It's sad, but it's true.  You know it is.  As a woman, my lowest weight was 126 lbs. and my highest was 224 lbs.  Granted the 224 lbs. was at just over 8 months pregnant, but still, after the baby came out most of the weight was still there.  

People treat you differently depending on how fat or skinny you are.  When I weighed 126 lbs. I could do no wrong.  Now I've really thought about this.  Could it be that I had a better attitude when I weighed 126 lbs?  Maybe.  I know for a fact though, people turn their snouts up at me (especially in Oakville) now that I rest at 198.4 lbs.  I feel like shit.  I look like shit.  I get treated like shit.  If I have to hear, "You're so pretty, if you could just lose a few pounds...", I will go ape shit!

I will measure myself tonight and post my grim stats here for all the public to read.  Also, a goal is going to be set for myself.  What do I want to achieve is the pertinent question.  I can't just write about being fat and a food addict, I have to want to go somewhere with all of this.

This blog is going to be awfully self-indulgent - readers beware.  My soul will be bared for all to see and I hope to hear comments and your own stories.

Until next time, I need to go hide the empty box of deluxe President's Choice cookies that I polished off since yesterday.  Grim.

Cupcake

xo