Laura Secord.

She was a Canadian heroine of the War of 1812.  In short, she walked like 30 kilometres to help save our lovely Niagara Peninsula from being taken over by the Americans via a secret attack.  She wasn't afraid to push herself for the greater good.  Her bravery was stunning and still stuns people to this day.  So how the hell did her name end up on a retail candy store?  "In 1913 Frank P. O'Connor began a small, Toronto-based candy business selling hand-made chocolates.  He adopted the name Laura Secord, after the Canadian heroine because she was an icon of courage, devotion and loyalty."

Why am I writing and reading about Laura Secord?  Well, her name was familiar to me from a very young age, but not because of her heroism.  It wasn't until grade 6 that I learned of her amazing bravery.  Then I reverted back to primarily thinking about those yummy chocolates.

Today wee man and I were at the Burlington Mall and he asked for an ice cream (even said please).  I complied with his ingratiating grin because he had an 'alligator in his throat', which is his way of saying he's got a sore throat.  As we were sitting on the bench in front of Laura Secord I started to tell her story to Callum.  The more I spoke, the more I thought of our life together.  Now, I can't imagine I'll ever have the opportunity to be as brave and heroic as Laura, but the least I can do is be the best person I can, for myself, and for that twinkly-eyed wee man who treats me like I'm a hero every day.

Exercise

40 minutes on elliptical (- 433 calories)

Weight circuit; 12 reps on each machine, with the inner and outer thigh machines added (20 reps each)

Enough puke inducing tummy exercises that I had to channel the strength of Daniel on the Biggest Loser.  I wanted to quit before my reps were done and again, I thought of Daniel's beet red face puffing away at 7 miles per hour on the treadmill (something I've not yet been able to do) and I pushed forward to completion!  Thanks, Daniel.

Food

1 cup Raisin Bran with 1% milk

1.5 litres water

2 sticks bubblemint gum

Tim Horton's egg salad sandwich on whole wheat, with lettuce.  The cool thing was, this Timmy's hardly puts any mayonnaise in the mix.

20 small grapes

Several cuppas

5 'cookies' from a 100 calorie bag

1/2 tin of beans in tomato sauce

Large handful of oven chips, including a few sweet potato oven chips

1 slice 12-grain bread

2 tsp light butter

The chocolate 'Secord' from the top of wee man's ice cream & a spoonful of ice cream.

Now that I write down my food, I realize that I must've been craving protein today.  I had a bit of a difficult mood day today.  I felt snappy, you know, a bit PMS-y.  There were several times when I craved something naughty because I was feeling emotional, but I forced myself to work through it by reasoning out my behaviour.  The grapes in the car really helped!  If they hadn't been there, I'm not sure if I could've resisted a trip to Starbucks.  

Speaking of Starbucks, I used to love the skinny vanilla latte and now I can't seem to enjoy it.  The very odd thing is, now that I've cut back on Splenda and aspartame I can really taste it in food and drinks and I don't like it!  People have always moaned about how they can taste artificial sweeteners and I've poo-pooed them, but I think I'm becoming one.

As an aside, initially when I bought wee man his ice cream I chose 'crunchy chocolate chip', one of my favourite ice creams ever.  He hated it.  He's a vanilla guy.  The more vanilla the better. That's cool 'cause I think he must be really tasting the ice cream and not just the sweet - clever wee man!  I went back and bought him a vanilla ice cream and then was left holding the crunchy chocolate chip.  It spoke to me.  It called to me and cried when I didn't answer.  It just about killed me, but I binned it.  One small taste and I knew I wanted to devour it, but apparently, not badly enough.  Yay me!  That was a major milestone in my journey.

What a great way to say goodnight.

Cupcake

xo

Chilly brrrr!

Yep, I did it!  I went to the gym again today.  Damn, I'm thrilled with myself :)

Exercise

1 hour Body Pump class (weight bar; hand weights; floor work, etc)

35 minutes on elliptical (- 432 calories)

Food

1 cup Raisin Bran cereal with 1% milk

Cuppa

2 litres water

1 Amy's Veggie Loaf meal - scrummy!

1 raisin tea biscuit with light butter & 1 tsp jam (good god it was yummy)

10 small grapes

1 stick bubblemint gum

Vegetable stir-fry, including the strange kohlrabi.  As it turns out, kohlrabi is yummy!  Yay for trying new things :)  It tasted like a very mild cabbage and is apparently very good for you.  I made a super yummy almond butter; Braggs; liquid smoke and rice vinegar sauce for the stir-fry and I really out did myself - it was SO GOOD!

1/3 cup basmati rice

More tea

One more raisin tea biscuit with the above fixins.  My Dad bought 6 raisin tea biscuits during their visit here on the weekend and they left all of them in the freezer.  I must throw out the remaining tea biscuits, as nobody else in the house likes them.

I'm feeling really positive!  The raisin biscuits weren't the best choice today and the almond butter sauce wasn't the lowest in fat, but damn did I really taste and enjoy my dinner!  I won't rip the snot out of myself today.  I will just relax with another cuppa, smile, and be proud of myself for all that I've accomplished today.

Goodnight y'all.

P.S.

Thank you very much to all my friends that have listened to me wingeing about how fat I am, etc.  A new me is on the horizon and I like her!

Cupcake

xo

Did it!

After I dropped wee man off today I wasn't feeling up to going to the gym, so I got in the left hand turning lane from the school.  Luckily there was a red light.  I zoomed over to the right hand lane in a mad panic that I almost didn't go to the gym.  Seems like I have every excuse in the world ready for why I shouldn't go to the gym.  Cool thing is, I went.  It was a hard workout, but I made it!

Exercise

45 minutes treadmill - 400 calories burned

Loads of different tummy exercises

30 minutes shoveling the driveway - BOO

Food

4 cups vegan chili

3 litres water

2 1/2 cuppas

1 mini Babybel (60 cal.)

20 oven chips (bad choice!)

10 Smarties (ack!)

6 medium strawberries

2/3 cup yogurt (fat-free/sugar-free)

1 piece bubblemint gum

In the spirit of trying new things, I bought kohlrabi.  The weird thing is, I had a dream about it last night.  Seemed like a sign that I should try it.  Now I just have to seek out a recipe for this strange and oddly heavy vegetable.

So my goal has been set.  I want to weigh 145 pounds by May of this year.  This means I will have to lose 4 pounds weekly for the next 17 weeks.  Game on!

Cupcake

xo

How the mighty fall.

Thursday after I went to the gym it was time to meet up with my parents.  Everything went downhill from there.  Not their fault.  Habits really do die hard.  My family eats.  Seems like so much we do is based around eating.  Go to the mall, stop for a Starbucks or Tim Horton's.  Go for a walk, get a Starbucks or Tim Horton's.  You get my drift.  That's exactly what happened.  We went out for something to eat and then ate out that night too.  Friday was equally bad.  Saturday was just as bad.  Sunday was the finale.

Today is a new day and instead of giving in to my demons, I went to the gym, despite being super tired.  I'm really proud of myself!  I worked hard today and it paid off.  Not only did I burn some calories, but I burned away that demon from my shoulder.  No, there's no angel on the other.  I'm a bit too naughty in general for an angel.  Maybe a faerie or a wood nymph!

Exercise

Elliptical for 35 minutes (burned 403 calories)

Weight circuit (12 reps on each machine)

Stationary bike for 9 minutes (47 calories... this was only done to alleviate my brain that was stressing over the uneven number of calories burned on the elliptical - aidez moi!!!

*NEW* 40 sit ups on the weird sit up machine

*NEW* 20 side bends on weird side bendy machine (10 each side - hurt like a bitch, but I'd love to have a beautiful hourglass waist... takes hard work)

*NEW* 30 tummy exercises (back flat on floor, legs raised to the ceiling, slowly lowering one leg at a time to the floor)

Food

2 bites of wee man's pancake (incl. syrup)

1 litre water

1 cuppa with milk and sweetener (sweetener as a treat, but I am tapering off)

2 slices multigrain bread (240 calories total)

4 slices veggie turkey slices (100 cal.)

Lettuce

1 tbsp whole grain dijon mustard, aka yummy yum yum!

1 tbsp light mayonnaise

1 raisin tea biscuit (bad choice)

1 tsp butter

2 tsp strawberry jam

1 cup low calorie hot chocolate (60 calories)

2 cups vegan chili (made by moi with only 1 tsp oil in the entire pot)

1/2 oz. semi-sweet chocolate

Soon to come are the measurements.  I first measured quite a while ago and now I need to see for myself where I'm at.  I'm pretty sure my tummy is bigger.  That thing seems to grow just thinking about food.

Wee man's 3rd birthday was on Saturday and husband was taking video of me delivering the cake to the table avec candles.  When I was reviewing the footage I was shocked.  I was horrified.  I was sad.  My tummy was so big!  I have this ring of fat around my chest and around my belly, both very dangerous spots for weight to sit.  I'm not going to feel sorry for myself this time around.  I allowed myself to feel pathetic about it yesterday and now I just need to move on and take charge.  Yay me for going to the gym today!  One other image of myself that made me very scared and sad was a picture T took of me during our recent trip to Toronto.  It was a profile of my face and I realized that I am getting the neck waddle thingy that my Mom's side of the family is afflicted with.  The really freaky thing about this neck is that it doesn't go away.  It's not like I can lose weight and it will fuck off forever.  It hangs around (literally) for the rest of your waddling neck life and I DO NOT want that neck waddle.  I just don't.

Talk is cheap and change is hard, but I will work hard!  Dammit.  I've never had to work hard for anything and for once in my life I should try it.  I betcha I'd feel really proud.

The difference between dreams and goals is timeline.  It is with this in mind that I am going to set a specific goal with a timeline, including the steps along the way.

I will start tasting food.  Enjoying food.  Respecting food, my body and the effect it has on my mind and physical self.

Even more, I am going to be more fiscally responsible.  I spend money like it's going out of style.  My overspending is also a direct result of my low self-esteem.  I get a boost from shopping, just as I get a boost from overeating.

GOISF:

Buying a large box of Timbits for co-workers on a Friday morning and eating them all myself.  I put the box into my very large purse and snuck them all day long.  Gross.

Too close for comfort!

I stuffed a small (crappy) chocolate bear into my mouth, chewed, then chewed a little more and then purged.  No, I didn't barf.  I didn't even swallow (snicker).  I was so desperate to eat something chocolatey, but I wised up before it went down the ol' gullet.  Guess what happened next?  I ploughed a large marshmallow into my mouth and then the same process followed.  

I used to work with this girl who chewed junk food and spit it out all the time.  She'd be sitting at her desk mowing down on a chocolate chip cookie and then next thing you'd know she'd spit it all out, right in front of you!  Fuck, it was sick.  The weird thing is, I thought of her method today and put it into action.  Does she have something there?

Even though it was snowing like mad this morning, I still suited up wee man in his uniform, lugged him to school and then went to the gym.  I thought for sure I'd be the only stupid person to be there - nope!  There were all the same people I'd seen the day before.  Amazing.

Exercise

27 minutes on the elliptical (dammit!) - 338 calories (cool!); I worked really hard today on the elliptical and it paid off.  I burned twice as many calories as I did yesterday!

Weight circuit, plus a few more machines thrown in for good measure.

20 minutes on the stationary bike (very odd concept) - 100 calories

30 minutes hard labour, aka shoveling the driveway.  As I was finishing the driveway, the plough came around.  The driver and I made eye contact.  I gave him my best stink eye/pleading expression I could, but he still covered the end of the driveway with heavy, wet snow.  Bastard.

Food

2 slices 12-grain bread

1 large egg

4 slices veggie 'bacon', I call it 'facon'

1 squirt low sugar, organic ketchup

2 litres water (more to come)

2 sticks bubblemint gum (so yummy - it's bubble gum with a hint of mint)

1 can Diet Pepsi

A friend of mine in Vancouver, whom I rarely hear from, jotted me a nice e-mail today.  He's seeing a woman now and she (in a playful way) is jealous of me.  She thinks I'm beautiful (her words).  It's been a while since anyone called me beautiful.  I love her.  

This compliment came at a perfect time.  I was feeling rather dowdy today at the gym.  There was this perfect specimen of a woman getting changed beside me and she smelled lovely (she was just arriving), looked perfect and had the best, most girly gym clothes.  She was even putting lotion on her tanned, athletic legs.  I was doing up my ugly jeans and trying to hide my eczema!

I got a bit of money for Xmas and I decided today that one thing I'm going to buy is some pampering for me.  A mani/pedi are in need!  When I lived in B.C. I would pamper myself quite regularly and now that we are in Ontario it's fallen by the wayside.  Pretty toes!  I can't wait.  I actually have really pretty feet when they're shown at their best.

I'm ranting.

Cupcake

xo

Tea please, no sweetener.

A dear friend of mine asked me to have my first cuppa today with no sweetener and then tell him what it tasted like.  I love this man, he's fantastic and that's the only reason I complied with the request.  I was dreading having a cuppa sans sweetener.  I even made it in a small mug so there was less to endure!  First sip - blech!  Second sip - less blech!  As I went on I was become more and more of a tea connoisseur, really tasting the tea.  It was a touch bitter, but the essence of bergamot was delicious.  For the next week I am going to try not to put sweetener in my tea.  Was his motive to get me to actually taste and enjoy something without the mask of sweet?  Whatever your motive, thank you.  I love that you care.

Today's been not too bad.  Dropped off the wee man at school and headed for the gym.  After a few wrong turns I could feel myself getting discouraged and thinking, "At this rate, I should just turn back 'cause I won't have time for a proper workout", no shame I swear.  The gym near wee man's school was pretty small and they didn't have towel service which almost made me turn back again, but I didn't.  Thank goodness right?  Ha ha.  

With iPod in hand, I headed for the elliptical, a machine I tend to use a lot when I go to the gym.  That sucker burns off way more calories than the treadmill and it's a touch more exciting 'cause your arms move too.  God I'm pathetic.  I set a lofty program and sadly couldn't make it all the way through, but in the end made it 27 minutes going full tilt, with a result of 170 calories burned.

The weight circuit was next on the agenda and I completed it like a star and actually enjoyed it a lot.  It was nice to remember that I actually have muscles.  To feel them again was quite novel!  All in all, I was there for around an hour and a half.  Am I proud?  Yeppers.

Food diary:

2.5 litres water

1/2 cup basmati rice

1 cup homemade veg and chick pea curry

1/2 naan (bad decision)

1 sweetener free cuppa

1 cup sweet potato soup (homemade)

1/2 12-grain bagel

2 tbsp cream cheese

1 stick of gum

1 elbow macaroni (testing to see if it was cooked)

GOISF:

Just a mere few days ago I bought a box of the crappiest, most revolting prepackaged mini caramel cakes and ate the whole damn box.  Puke.  They really are disgusting and I knew it, but I kept at it.  

The demons in my head cannot get the better of me.  I really am a good person.  I crave love from others.  I think it's because I don't love myself.  I wonder what that's like?  To love yourself I mean.  As far back as I can remember I've felt inferior and subpar.  Can I retrain my brain at this age?  Can I break the mould?

cupcake

xo

Very bad start to the year...

Promises, promises.

Yep, I fucked up.  Good thing is, I have actually learned some lessons over the last wee while.  

I shan't go over all of the woes I've had during the last month or so.  Instead, I am going to move onwards and upwards.  No promises.  One day at a time for me.  It's just the way it has to be.

Tonight I watched the premiere of a show called, "Being Erica" on CBC.  It was amazing to me how poignant the topic of the show was for me.  I really need to value my own opinion.  I've spent so much of my life more concerned with what other people think of me, than I have thinking about how valuable my own opinion is.  Yep, it will take some serious brain re-training, but it's my brain, I should be able to do it.

Today was a huge moment in our lives; our wee man started school!  He is moving onwards and upwards and it is my duty to myself and my family to do the same for myself.  For those of you who didn't know this about me, I socially smoke.  Well, I did.  It's not a NY resolution to stop, just a smart decision that was made upon reflection of my life.  I can't bear the idea that one day our wee man might have to visit me in the hospital, wondering why I chose cigarettes over him.  I choose good health.  I choose my family.  And for all my smoker friends, I will never get all preachy with you about it.

After I drop Callum off at school tomorrow I am going to go to my gym, workout on the elliptical, and then do the weight circuit.  A true suburban Mum, but I'll wear that title like a badge.

Grim moment of the NY:

Realizing that Dr. Phil had caramel sauce all over his head.  Yep, I rested a caramel cake on my weight loss book - yikes!  Time for a change, eh?

Cupcake

xo